The moods, the moods, the moods are back...

My younger daughter has been so testy lately. She jumps at everything I say, and talks to me like I’m ridiculous. I feel like she’s 14 again, and it sucks. It starts out okay and I measure my words, but it’s not long before I hear, “Stop it” or “Do we have to talk about that now?” It’s quite unpleasant to be around her lately and I’m getting irritated.

It began to be noticeable when I took her with me to go house hunting with my realtor/friend. I told her to stay low-key for business purposes, but it wasn’t long before she was verbally belligerent, making it clear what she “hated” and where she wasn’t going to live. When  I refused to look at a house that was across the street from a trailer park, she jumped all over me to tell me how rude and snobby I was. Right in front of my friend.  I had to take her aside and tell her to stop, but she argued with me until I told her to shut up. That’s always been a “bad word” in my family, so she was aghast. She went the other direction and shut down on me and was sour for the rest of the day. I was embarrassed and angry, but kept my mouth shut and ignored her.

We’ve gone up and down with this all month. Some days she’s pleasantly affable, some days she’s too tired to argue and I don’t talk to her much, other times she is ready to launch a can of scorn on me. I try to be funny and let it roll, but inside I’m churning. Those put-upon feelings surface and I want her out of my face. One morning, she was so rude in the way she was speaking to me, I lost my temper and told her if she didn’t change her attitude, she could pack her things and leave. I’m sure I dropped a few choice words in the process. These ugly sentiments lingered in the air, and that’s how we started our day. She really believed I meant it, but it was my temper speaking, the one I try so hard to keep in check. I did apologize to her for saying the thing she fears the most, and she apologized to me. We made up, and it “took,” but she is still up and down with her attitude and emotions. If I bring up certain subjects, she cuts me off and questions my motives. I get a lot of retorts that begin with, “You always….”

In trying to analyze what’s going on—I know she took on a second job for extra money and starts her day at 4:45; she tries to please her friends; she tries to be a good daughter, granddaughter, and sister; she tries to be responsible for herself; and  she has a lot on her mind and battles depression…but she is possibly taking on more than she can handle and she’s exhausted. I’ve been urging her to slow down and not worry about the second job, but she’s trying to prove something to herself. I have no say—if I try to give my opinion, it’s shot down like a deer in the woods.

I love this girl down to my bones, but she does NOT make my life easy.

Stuff to do with your teenagers when they let you spend time with them...Part II

You can sometimes find us:

• Eating Middle-Eastern food at our favorite restaurant.
• Going places we went to when they were children to see how they’ve changed.
• Talking about how great they have it compared to other people.
• Talking about how special their relationship is with their Nana, and how they knew her when she was young and fun.
• Watching Jersey Shore and Teen Mom and making fun of the cast.
• Listening to the morning radio show antics and analyzing the people who call in.
• Dreaming about places we’ll visit someday.
• Talking about their gifts and blessings and how they’re special and unique.
• Buying shoes.

Teens on Meds: For ADD/ADHD

My older daughter never had the same issues as my younger one with depression or hyperactivity or even rebellion. Her problems arose in college. She noticed that she was having trouble finishing her work or paying attention to lectures. I thought maybe she was too interested in her social life or her classes were boring. But then we noticed that she was unable to finish one conversation before starting a new one, then would forget what she was talking about altogether. Then, if she saw something shiny…

Because she was already an adult, she made her own appointment with the psychiatrist to get evaluated. Her diagnosis: mild ADHD. Solution: Adderall. It’s been about a year, and she is very happy on this medication. She says it makes her feel productive and she can see projects through from start to finish seamlessly. If she’s given an assignment, she can’t wait to get started.

Even though this is a narcotic—an amphetamine—her chemistry processes it differently than a normal body makeup would. She doesn’t feel stimulated; she actually feels calm and focused. It doesn’t alter her mood in any way, she just gets her stuff done and that makes her happy. Unlike antidepressants or other types of brain altering chemicals that have sort of a “waiting period,” it works immediately.

She has a great deal of self-awareness and she’s not a drug user, so the fact that she’s pro-Adderall makes me trust that it really has a positive impact on her life. We are a family of chemically imbalanced people and proud of it (haha)! My father, my grandmother, both my children, me…we’re all benefiting from one brain drug or another and couldn’t be chemically happier.

Teens on Meds: Antidepressants

Both my children take prescription medication on a regular basis. There, I said it. I’m not proud nor ashamed of this fact; it is what it is. I resisted it for a long time—not sure if I was in denial that they needed drugs for their issues or if I was afraid of the consequences or outside objections—but what I do know is that my girls have benefited greatly and I don’t regret it.

My younger daughter, as I’ve outlined in this blog, has a history of problems that have seemingly stemmed from a chemical imbalance. As a tot, she was hyper—to the point where I was exhausted. She couldn’t sit still, stop talking, stay close by, or control her impulses. I kept a journal of her behaviors and, when she was four years old, took it to the pediatrician to discuss. During the visit, my daughter climbed on all the furniture, pulled on the doctor’s stethoscope, took supplies out of the drawer…and it was clear we had an issue.

The doctor prescribed Adderall, even though my child was so young. It was almost painful to see how rambunctious she was and how people reacted to her. I was reluctant at first, but agreed to try it. It had a terrible effect on her. She went from active and happy to sedentary and grumpy. It was horrible.

I took her off the meds after two weeks—enough was enough. She also had an issue with her tonsils—they were so enlarged they were touching each other. She had a tonsillectomy, and I swear on her life, she was a different child afterwards. She calmed down, slept well, and seemed totally normal.

It wasn’t until she started her period that her issues with depression surfaced. Poor girl isolated herself and was always so moody and unhappy, more than average. I took her to see a child psychiatrist who confirmed that she was clinically depressed, and she put my daughter on Zoloft at age 12. Oy, that was tough. It initially helped, but she put on a lot of weight and that exacerbated her negative feelings about herself. She stayed on the Zoloft for a few months, but we had to get her off this drug—it wasn’t really effective and I was terrified of all the warnings about children and teens being on antidepressants.

Over the years, we tried so many things: natural supplements, talking therapy, sports camp, living with her father. Nothing helped until age 16. I asked her doctor to put her on my medication, Pristiq. Within weeks, she was noticeably happier, calmer, and clear headed. Unbelievable. She’s been on it for about a year now and she’s been doing so well. It’s been during this time that she has been sobering up and now has two jobs.

Stuff to do with your teenagers when they let you spend time with them...Part I

My girls don’t really mind my company at times. I’ve been known to be fun—as long as we’re doing what they like to do! We’ve found some common interests—though I’m happy just spending time with my children when they’re amenable, lucid, open, or just plain willing to indulge me in a few minutes of their time. When I really think about it, we’ve actually smiled, laughed, or just plain enjoyed ourselves while doing these activities:

• Shopping for them: clothes, makeup, shoes, jewelry.

• Sorting through old clothes, then selling them at resale shops (and letting them keep the cash).
• Thrift store shopping for treasures.
• Going to garage sales.
• Taking drives and singing in the car—both their music and my music (what they call oldies).
• Stopping for frozen yogurt.
• Hiking.
• Taking road trips to little towns.
• Going to a scary movie.
• Watching TV together on the couch while I tickle or scratch their backs.
• Eating scrambled eggs and toast together—they like the way I make it.
• Texting witty messages to each other.
• Listening to books on CD in the car.
• Listening to them complain about their friends, job, boyfriend, lack of clothing, father, whatever…
• Playing Scrabble, gin rummy, or Apples to Apples.
• Taking them for body piercings—nose, belly button, various place on the ear (these are as far as I can stand).
• Talking about boys.
• Talking about when they were little—especially reminiscing about funny things they said.
• Listening to them tell “their” joke.
• Going to their grandmother’s to hang out.
• Househunting.
• Going out for pancakes.
• Browsing for gadgets: cell phones, TVs, stereos, iPods, etc.
• Looking at YouTube videos together and sharing our favorites.
• Going to the Renaissance Faire.
• Browsing through art shows.

Article from Parenting Your Teenager

From : http://www.parentingyourteenager.com/parentsteens6stop.htm

This is a really sensible article. Thought I'd pass it on:

6 Things for Parents of Teenagers to Stop Doing
(....and what to do now instead)

 

"A note from Jeff - When this column was first published nationally a few months ago, I got many many letters thanking me for writing. I did get one letter from an older couple in California, taking me to task for being too liberal in my advice,

That was a first!

complete with a column from Ann Landers along with a run down of their six kids and how successful they have become.

I tend to think they either greatly misread the column, had their own agenda to trumpet, or both. At the same time, I did look over the column and failed to find anything "squishy" in my tips. I even said you can still say "because I said so" to a teen.

Oh well, with that said, here's the column.......................

Here are six things that parents of teens should stop doing right now:


1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make your teen-ager do.

It doesn't work.

When our kids are infants, we are in total charge. Between ages 3 to 13,
kids still really like us, and often will go along with what we want. From 13
on, however, they realize they are as big as we are, and they can really
do a lot of what they want.

So, stop focusing on what you are going to make them do and start
focusing on what you are going to do. How you are going to respond to what
they do; what you will give and what you will withhold; how you are going to
model good choices for them. Focus on what you are going to do, because it's
the only thing you can really control.

2. STOP lecturing.

You didn't listen when your parents did it, so what makes you think your kids
are going to listen to you?

The same information can be conveyed over time in short bursts. Keep it
short and sweet. One of the best places to do the short and sweet stuff is
while riding in the car. You have a captive audience, and you are both
looking ahead and not staring at each other.

3. STOP using 'adultisms.'

We commit an adultism when we forget what it's like to be a teen --
to think and reason and experience the world as a teen -- and expect a
teen-ager, who has never been an adult, to think, act, reason and
experience the world like an adult.

Start with where they are and teach and model what comes next.

4. STOP grounding or restricting them for long periods of time.

By long I mean, except for the most enormous of infractions, any
longer than two weeks.

For adults, two weeks is like a snap of the fingers -- gone. For most
teens, two weeks seems like forever, which causes diminishing positive
results the longer the grounding. Consequences need to be strong
enough to get their attention, swift enough after the infraction to have
an effect, and short-term so they can have another chance to do better
soon.

5. STOP trying to reason with them about rules they do not like or when
you say no.

Here is one event I can guarantee will never happen in your household:
You explain a rule or why you said no to your teen-ager, and they respond
with, 'Well, thank you, Mom and Dad, I never thought of it that way, and now
that you have explained it that way to me, I no longer want to go to the
movies with David, I feel bad for asking, and I think I'll just go to bed early
and think about the wisdom you just shared with me.'

There are still times when 'because I said so' is the best thing you can say.

6. STOP making every issue a battle for control and who is in charge.

If every issue is a battle for control, your teen will make every issue a
battle for independence.

Pick your battles. Make sure they are the most important things, and then
make your stand there."

What about the other one? The child who makes me feel like a GOOD mother.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking and fretting over my younger child with all the problems, past and present. Sure, she’s been a major focus of my parenthood, and the subject of this blog, but I’ve realized that it’s not fair. Leaving my first born out doesn’t paint a complete picture of my mothering skills, my life, my younger daughter’s life, or our family in general. First born is the closest thing to an angel that you’ll ever get. When she was born, I swear, the heavens opened up and God’s chorus sang a medley. She was not only a beautiful baby, but she was calm and born with a smile on her face. Her big, sparkling brown eyes looked into mine and that was it. She was, is, and always will be a mama’s girl.

She now lives in the Bay Area of California, which just about kills me. It has been a good experience for her—something she needed to do to have freedom and independence, but the distance is difficult to get used to. It’s not even a year yet, but it feels like forever. She’s too far to visit by car, and I can’t afford to take frequent flights there from where I live. Since she moved away, I’ve only seen her three times for just a few days.

I’m thinking about it now because she’s home for spring break from school. She has such a big presence—from the moment she walks into a room, she fills it up with joy and love. I can’t explain it. I love having her near. We don’t need to do much—just running errands or eating together is peaceful for me. She’s open-hearted and tells me what she thinks, feels, does, and plans. I feel part of her life, not just navigating around it waiting for the ball to drop. Honestly, if she wasn’t my child, I would want her as my friend.

Besides just totally LIKING and LOVING my beloved older daughter, I’m soooo proud of her. She has come to know and appreciate her own gifts—her outgoing personality, her ability to talk to anyone (regardless of age or position), her fantastic sense of humor, her charm, her intellect, her beauty, and her capacity to love and be loved. She is a great student, a conscientious and responsible young woman, kind friend, loving daughter, hard worker…I have such faith in her and know she’ll be successful, well-educated, and have an interesting life.

Whatever I’ve done wrong to make my other daughter so rebellious against me, I am comforted by the fact that I have a child who tells me that she couldn’t imagine a better mother than the one she has!