Relapse or Just Plain STUPID?

I'll cut right to the chase. I came home, smelled something funny in my house, and saw my daughter opening windows and lighting incense. I couldn't believe it--my daughter had been smoking pot in my house. At first, I thought I was imagining things, but when I saw the leaves in the toilet and a butt on the bathroom sink, it was too late.

I was beyond...words.

She tried to lie, but it was a futile. I caught her. She was busted.

I told her I was ashamed of her, that I didn't respect her, and that it was inconceivable to me that she would break the law right in my house. MY HOUSE. The house I have worked so hard to provide for her, the home I have made for her.

She begged me to accept her apology and tried to make a million excuses--that she had a bad day, that she throught this would help relax her, that...it didn't matter. They're just cop-outs to me. She's on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Now, she's going to add illegal drugs to the mix? Who doesn't have bad days--does that mean we should go out and break the law to make ourselves feel better?

I made dinner and we got through the evening. I wouldn't let her go out because no way was she going to drive under the influence. I also had her go to her car and throw away anything that might be suspect. Remember, she has a history of being stopped and having pot paraphernalia on her. In fact, we have a court appearance scheduled for later this month from one of those incidents.

I had very little to say to her the rest of the evening. This morning, she woke up too late, and again didn't make any effort to show she's a changed person. Left her room a mess, shit all over the floor.

I did get a text message from her:  "mom, im sorry. i hope you believe me. i am ashamed that i chose to sink to the level i used to be on. i cant tell u how much im beating myself up for it. I made you lose your respect for me and i worked so hard to gain that back. I really apologize for my actions. i understand how mad u r. its my fault for smoking. I had a moment of weakness. I regularly take my medication but its just i had a horrible day and i was crushed with emotions. Talking was not on my mind. I started going into my depressed thoughts and screwed up. I smoked a plant and im sorry. I didnt mix drugs cuz i'm not a retard but i do admit i made a mistake. Im not asking for forgiveness but i want u to understand i was extremely used to dealing with my problems that way. I'm not u i have addiction tendencys. To cigs and weed. Im trying my hardest to not depend on it. I did an amazing job for myself and i slipped up one time. i hate myself for it but i cant take it back. You can hate me, play the silent game, whatever, i understand. And i did want you to find it, do u think i wanted to get awas with doing something like that, no." [sic]

What the hell do I do now? I'm still feeling emotional--offended, angry, frustrated, disappointed, even guilty...you name it.

Boundaries—They Go Both Ways

My formerly troubled teen and I have been working so hard on our relationship, which is based on trust and mutual respect—like adults would have. I work like a madwoman to not get angry over the small stuff because it gets me nowhere with her and does very little for me.

We recently (I’m talking in the last few days) moved from a rented townhouse to our own home. I worked very hard to make this happen and handled every last detail by myself. I didn’t expect my daughter to help me with much other than packing her room and transporting her cats to the new house. My expectations were low, not because I didn’t want help or was afraid to ask, but because she has two jobs and has been totally exhausted. I’m very type A and would probably re-do anything she did anyway.

So here’s the subject of this post: I screwed up. I didn’t think I was at the time, but I realize now her point of view.

She asked me to get her jeans out of “the car” to wear to work and I misunderstood her to mean HER car. Now, I’ve been peeking into her car and noticing what a pigsty it is, and asked her dozens of times just to throw away the trash. She said she would, did, was planning on it, forgot…all the normal teenager responses…and it made me crazy. I asked if I could clean her car and she turned me down. So I thought when she told me to go to her car that she was sort of indirectly giving me permission to clean. It was moving day, she was getting ready for work, and I was waiting for the movers to finish up, and was happy (more like thrilled) to tidy up her car. I got a giant bag of trash and another one with clothes and shoes and ANOTHER one with miscellaneous whatevers.

I ended up removing something she needed for work and her wallet with her driver’s license, and she was BLAZING mad. She called me from the road to chew me out. Then she texted me in capital letters about how I disrespected her, that she works so hard to pay for her car, and she gets to keep it any way she pleases. That I stepped over the line.

She was absolutely right. I should have minded my own business. That IS her car, that IS her domain, she DOES work hard, and she has every right to make those decisions. I certainly wouldn’t want her rummaging through my things and removing them without my permission.

She calmed down that evening and we talked about it. She accepted my apology and my promise to respect her space and her in general. I felt terrible (still do) and realize that she really helps me be a better parent and a better person. I am grateful that she is as forgiving as she is because, many times, girls like her hold an angry, steadfast grudge.