Missing the Mishegos

We celebrate Hanukkah—well, we used to. This year everything feels strange for me. The way I would explain it is I’ve been blindfolded and twirled for five full minutes then released. Now I’m utterly disoriented and have to carry on as if floor isn’t do-si-do-ing beneath me. I miss my children and the candle lighting and the gift-giving and the latke-making and the card-writing. I know that they had to grow up eventually, but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and that the emptiness would be so…concave. I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I dash home for that peace and quiet at the end of the day, and am pacing and coming unglued within a half hour.

I could keep myself busy with “stuff,” but my heart’s not in it. I haven’t gone to any girls’ nights or happy hours because I just don’t want to. They don’t sound fun or productive and I make all kinds of excuses for not participating. I’ve even blown off my boyfriend all week. I don’t really think I’m falling into a depression, though I know isolating is a sign, but I think this is slightly different. It’s not just organic, it’s situational. Perhaps it’s exacerbated by the coming of the holidays…and the fact that Hanukkah is eight looooong nights.

My older daughter has been great and texts me to wish me Happy Hanukkah, but my younger one, the subject of this blog, has been distant and crabby and unresponsive. She’s refusing to take her medication and this is all making the holiday even more unbearable. I don’t miss her mishegos, but I miss my family—all I’ve known for 20 years.

Well, there’s always the new year. I’ll plan my resolutions well, starting with “stop feeling sorry for myself.”

Quotes on Empty Nest Syndrome, Parenting, and Teenagers

Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States. Erma Bombeck

Often stereotypically sandwiched between empty nest syndrome and retirement, rhinoplasty is actually a fluid phase that can occur before, after, or concurrently with any other life stage. Benson Bruno

You see much more of your children after they leave home. Lucille Ball

Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare. Ed Asner

You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going. Unknown

The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another. Quentin Crisp

Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing, and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go. Unknown

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent. Unknown

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. Unknown

Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud? Unknown

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy. Sam Levenson

I Am Suddenly So Sad

So what the hell is wrong with me? Today is my daughter’s official move out day and, despite all my cheering that I couldn’t wait for this to finally happen, I actually feel like crying. I love her soooooo much and already miss her and am worried sick about her being on her own. Despite knowing logically that she’s smart and savvy, and can handle the responsibility, it’s the same as admitting that she doesn’t need me anymore. She’s outgrown me and can do her own life.

For the past few days, she’s been so level-headed, so organized, so matter-of-fact about what she needs to do and we’ve had some adult conversations about it. We even had a mother-daughter talk about pregnancy (after she revealed she had a bit of a scare). These conversations took place at our house, civilly, rationally, maturely—the way I’ve been hoping for. AND NOW SHE’S LEAVING!

I have this sudden urge to hug her and squeeze her and beg her to stay with her mommy where she belongs. Suddenly, I’ve forgotten what brought us to this point and why I made this happen. I feel guilty, forlorn, lonely, useless…old and forgotten. And she hasn’t even moved her belongings yet. Why am I dreading this so much? It’s the right thing to do at the right time and for the right reasons. She’s an adult who wants her total independence, doesn’t want to follow my stodgy rules, and can afford to grow up a bit.

All those thoughts about having my friends over, giving parties, doing whatever I want, starting a new routine, saving money, keeping a clean house, and enjoying my freedom—why does it all sound so phony and just plain awful? Why do I now see loneliness and distance? All the mornings I grumbled about taking her to work—now what will I get up for? All the phone calls I made to see when she’d be home—what will I call her for now that won’t seem an annoyance? All the complaints I made about her being a slob—now who do I clean up after, the cat?

I’ve been a mother for 20 years—that’s what I know best. I don’t yet know how to be just a woman who lives in a house in a neighborhood and goes to work. For 20 years, I’ve known very clearly what my purpose has been—to provide food, shelter, clothing, love, doctor’s appointments, soccer practices, dance lessons, homework help, advice about boy and periods, and to give hugs and snuggles whether needed or not. I don’t know who else to be. I don’t know who else I CAN be. I am suddenly feeling so sorry for myself. Is this normal?

Should marijuana be a medical option? - Medical Marijuana - ProCon.org

Should marijuana be a medical option? - Medical Marijuana - ProCon.org

For which symptoms or conditions might marijuana provide relief? - Medical Marijuana - ProCon.org

I've listened to my daughter go on about the benefits of marijuana use, even going so far as to tell me she's going to get a prescription for it to treat her depression and anxiety. I thought I would investigate a little and came across this website and this article:


For which symptoms or conditions might marijuana provide relief? - Medical Marijuana - ProCon.org

12 Most Positive Things about Being An Empty-Nester

by Sharon Greenthal on Nov 18, 2011 

website: http://12most.com/2011/11/18/12-positive-empty-nester/

Eventually, all parents become empty-nesters, whether it’s when the kids leave for college, work, marriage, or other pursuits. Suddenly, your home is no longer the place where your children live. Though it takes some adjusting, patience and creativity, being an empty-nester can be an exciting and rejuvenating time in a person’s life.

1. Your house is clean

Gone is the detritus of your children’s lives scattered here and there, carelessly flung about and forgotten. Your bathroom towels will stay hung neatly on their bars, the dishes are placed in the dishwasher instead of left to sit next to the sink. Beds remain made, floors remain clean, clothes are neatly put away. Mystery spills vanish, and you never wake up to a mess. Who knew it could be like this?

2. It is very, very quiet

The decibel level drops significantly when the children leave home. Televisions are watched at a moderate volume and music is played without an underlying “thumpa thumpa” that shakes the windows. No longer do you hear multiple electronic devices pinging and beeping at once – unlike your children, you aren’t capable of watching, listening and texting at the same time – nor do you want to.

3. You discover you still like your partner or you make a big change

It’s either one or the other. Some couples decide to separate and move on, others remember why it was they fell in love in the first place. Without your kids, you become each other’s only companion when you’re at home. I can’t overstate how much of a distraction our kids are while they are growing up. This is probably the most jolting part of the empty nest – when you look at each other and think – “oh wow, it’s just us now.” For better or worse, it will happen.

4. You can sleep through the night

No longer are you waiting for the sound of a key in the door, or the front door light to be turned off upon their safe return from another night out. Along these same lines, you no longer are part of the day-to-day ups and downs of your children’s lives…no matter how often they may text/call/email/facebook message/tweet you. Their mental and physical well-being, though still hugely important to you, are their responsibilities now, and you no longer have to endure the worries of their daily lives like you did when they lived at home.

5. Your food bill drops significantly

I know, if your kids are in college, or even if they’re not, you may still be paying for them to eat. But isn’t it lovely to go to the grocery store and come home with just enough of the kind of things you want, and not have to buy all the things they want, things that you really don’t want in your house? It’s been a while since I’ve bought a bag of Doritos or a package of Chips Ahoy cookies.

6. Your cash lasts longer

Again, I realize that if you are a recent empty-nester, you may still be supporting them – in fact, you probably are still supporting them. But no longer do you have to fish twenties out of your wallet because “I didn’t go to the bank,” or “the car needs gas,” or “I have to buy a football/baseball/basketball t-shirt at school.” They have an allowance, they manage their money, and you (almost) always have cash when you need it.

7. You have a lot more free time

Initially, this may be disturbing and/or difficult for you to deal with. I know I found it strange to no longer have show choir performances to watch or football games to go to, and my level of volunteering dropped off significantly once my kids left the house. But then a funny thing happened – I remembered how much I liked my solitude, and my husband and I discovered the joy of doing nothing much at all if we feel like it, truly happy to be in a quiet, clean home together. You may want to do things – museums, movies, theater, travel – whatever your thing is, there’s now time to do it… a lot.

8. You can spend time with people you like

What I mean by this is, you no longer have to socialize with other parents because of your kids’ connection to each other. No more booster club barbecues or committee meetings, making small talk with people you most likely never would have crossed paths with if it weren’t for the fact that your children were on the same team/in the same class/part of the same group of friends. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m glad to be done with all of those forced relationships. I have great friends, and I’m glad I have more time to spend with them now.

9. You begin to experience your children as young adults

This is probably the most rewarding part of being and empty-nester. Your children leave home and, for better or worse, they have to grow up, no matter how much help you may be giving them financially OR emotionally. There are just too many daily things to manage, too many random people to deal with, too many bumps and blips that they have to encounter on their own that leads to them, inevitably and sometimes painfully, growing up. It’s a thrill when my kids take over, driving or planning or explaining – giving up some of my authority is in many ways a huge relief. And I like them, these young adults – they’re interesting and have lives of their own, and I very much enjoy getting to know them in this new and different way.

10. Your kids come to visit

There’s nothing quite as wonderful as seeing your kids after weeks or months apart. Their faces are familiar and beautiful, their smiles just for you, their laundry ready to be washed…seriously, it’s such a thrill to have them home for holidays, or summer, or just a weekend visit – and within minutes of their return, it’s as though they never left. You love having them home for a while, but then…

11. Your kids will go back where they came from after a visit

Enough said.

12. Your future is yours

Remember before kids, when you would dream and plan for the rest of your life? Remember when it was wide open, and you had no idea what would happen next? Well, you can do that again, now that you’re an empty-nester. No longer do you have to worry about childcare, or kids missing school, or whether they’ll like the place you pick to go on vacation – your time, your future, and your life is yours to create. Always wanted to travel? Now you can. Go back to school? Now’s the time. Write a book? Get cracking. You have your life to live, just as they have theirs. Go do it!

Happy Days Empty Nest Part 3

TIME TO LEAVE HOME, funny commercial

Kehau Jackson - The Empty Nest

How to overcome "The Empty Nest Syndrome!"

Empty Nest Syndrome

Emotionally Approaching an Empty Nest: My Baby is not a Baby Anymore!

Emotionally Approaching an Empty Nest: My Baby is not a Baby Anymore!

Empty Nest

Empty Nest

How to Deal with Empty Nest Depression

How to Deal with Empty Nest Depression

Loving Life, Living Well (Empty Nest Reflections)

Loving Life, Living Well (Empty Nest Reflections)

Six steps to getting over an 'empty nest'

Six steps to getting over an 'empty nest'

The Empty Nest - When Your Youngest or Only Child Moves Out

The Empty Nest - When Your Youngest or Only Child Moves Out

Empty-Nest Syndrome and the Single Mom

Empty-Nest Syndrome and the Single Mom

Almost Goodbye

It’s the countdown to having a real empty nest. Not one of those false alarms from age 16, then age 17. This is a well thought-out version of my daughter moving out. Even though I don’t agree with some of her plans, she has solid plans this time and she’s actually being very mature about the situation. I have to give her credit and lots of respect for this.

I also must give her due credit for being aware of money, credit, paying bills, earning a paycheck…courtesy of working since she was 15 and having a great job at a credit card company. She's pretty savvy for an 18-year-old and is thus going to be in charge of the finances at her new apartment—collecting the rent, utility, and expense money from everyone and doling it out. She also took care of getting the ball rolling—finding the apartment, turning on the utilities, negotiating the lease, and making various lists of things to do…with little to no help from me.

It’s the right thing at the right time—I approve of where she’s going to live (I visited the complex with her a few months ago), and I don’t even mind that she’s going to live with her boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s too young and it’s way too early, but on the other hand, he’ll protect her from harm and take care of her. There’s something about him that makes her feel content and loved, and that’s what she’s been seeking her whole life. I apparently can’t adequately provide for these needs, no matter how much I say and demonstrate how much I love her. So I guess if it can’t be mommy, it can be the boyfriend. They have been making plans together on how they’re going to run their household, including their budget, house rules, and décor!

Even though this process started from a fiery event—when she was caught in the park doing no-good and me shouting that she’s out of my house—it’s going to end up being a godsend. I have high hopes—she’ll be happier having her independence and truly being allowed to grow up. I also believe that our relationship will have a chance to be normal and peaceful. For me, my stress will be reduced 10-fold and I’ll be able to have a life that doesn’t involve waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Speaking of me, I’ll miss her desperately because, despite anything she says or does, I love her deep in my soul and would stand in front of a speeding bullet for her; however, I need the blessed space. I need to breathe and relax and enjoy my middle age, complete with the gray hair and wrinkles that I’ve earned. I think having that space will give us both a new perspective on how much we mean to each other and we’ll eventually be able to talk about real things, real life—without me saying the wrong thing in the wrong way at the wrong time and having her shut me down and shut me out.

All I can do is wait and see, check in with the situation in about a month and decide if it’s working. I have my fingers crossed and my troll doll activated.

The Five Stages of My Parental Guilt

Underneath it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. I have bouts where I feel so damn guilty about who and what my daughter has become, even though logically I know that much of what’s happened is inherent in her, and her alone. I see how successful my other child is and, knowing that I parented them equally—with equal values, equal love, and equal experiences—their perspectives, personalities, and personas are vastly different.

That said, my guilt these past few years has been much like what Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes as the five stages of grief. Here’s my thinking.

1.     Denial — "I feel fine." "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual.

At first I didn’t believe that my daughter was a pothead, a drug user, a ne’er-do-well. I did a lot of dismissing, excusing, justifying of the things I heard and saw and, deep down, knew. I thought if I didn’t acknowledge certain things, then they weren’t true. How could a mother like me, who has been so loving, strict, and involved have a daughter who sneaks out to raves and uses hard drugs and puts herself into danger? I taught my children about being abstinent, so how is it possible that my daughter has been sexually active. No way.

2.     Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!" "How can this happen to me?" '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue.

When I woke up and saw that this stuff was indeed happening, I was so pissed. How could she do this to me, slap me in the face like this, thumb her nose at all I stand for? Why wouldn’t anyone help me? I hated when people would offer advice and stand around and do nothing. I heard, “You should…” enough times that I wanted to beat someone’s baby.

3.     Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years." "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.

I’m a non-religious person, but I caught myself numerous times speaking to g-d. I asked him what to do, what I could give up, what I needed to change if only I could have my loving child back—even if I had to reach back to when she was five—I wanted her back.

4.     Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?" “What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

I was so bad at the beginning of this journey, that I increased my dosage for my antidepressants. I was so sad, blamed myself for everything, and was frightened for my daughter’s well being. I still am sometimes, and feel sorry for myself a lot, but I keep taking those pills and try to laugh at things I can’t control (and there are a lot of them).

5.     Acceptance — "It's going to be okay." "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

In recent months, I’ve become more resolved to move on with my own life. I’ve realized that I can’t change her thinking, her behavior, her attitude, her propensities…I can only control my own. Being with my boyfriend and bouncing thoughts and ideas off him makes me more determined to move past the nightmarish way I’ve lived and find a sliver of happiness for myself. I have not fallen apart completely, and I’m not crumpled up in the corner, so there may be hope for a “normal” life, whatever that may be. With her moving out for good in the next week, I’m planning (in my head) how I’m going to live differently—and better.

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

As this year comes to a close, and Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s are right at my feet, I realize that the experiences I’ve had cannot be exactly be categorized. There have been some tremendously rewarding moments—like buying my house—and some tragically frightening moments—like picking up my stoned daughter from a shitty park in the middle of the night. If I were the type to write one of those boring Christmas letters that I get from well meaning acquaintances each year, I could never send it if I wanted to keep my friends. Personal notes from this year, to remind me that the bad comes with the good:

January

Did some wonderful hikes with my women’s hiking group. Started getting into shape. (Note: this didn't take.)

Visited my older daughter in her new city and met her boyfriend for the first time.

Continued with my book club.
Took a turnaround trip with some girlfriend to go skiing.

Had a little game party at my apartment.

Reunited with boyfriend.

February

Started my Sunday brunch ritual with younger daughter

Started the process of getting a mortgage and house hunting.

Invited to several parties with old friends and former co-workers.

Went to Las Vegas with boyfriend.

March

Took my younger daughter and my mom to Vegas—saw Mystere.

Visited by my older daughter for a week for spring break.

Did some contract work.

April

Finally took those family photos that I had been waiting for—for over a year.

Closed on my house and moved in.

Had a quiet Passover—stepfather not feeling very well.

May

Went to see Billy Elliott on stage.

Stepfather admitted to hospital.

June

Stepfather transferred to nursing home, where he became sicker and was readmitted to the hospital, where he passed away.

Visited by my older daughter and her boyfriend—they stopped by during a music tour. She left and returned a few days later for the memorial.

Sister and her family came to visit and stayed two weeks.

Younger daughter came to the memorial stoned.

Younger daughter had a court appearance.

Took younger daughter and a friend to a performance of Twelfth Night.

Many movies, dinners out with friends and co-workers.

Drove my mother to San Diego for her summer stay.

July

Visited by my best friend from college and her little daughter.

Visited older daughter.

Starting meeting with bankruptcy attorneys.

Another court date for younger daughter.

Billed for public defender.

August

Retained a bankruptcy attorney, who will also take care of my living will and my child support order.

Restarted my book club with new rules and new people. Created a Facebook page for it.

September

Picked up my mom from San Diego—had terrible car trouble on the way home.

Started Financial Peace University class to help me understand how to manage my finances better.

Blew off Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur completely.

Went to the wedding of a close family friend.

Went to LA with boyfriend.

My 48^th birtdday. Younger daughter picked a fight with my older daughter when they gave me my presents.

October

Attended a Turkish gala.

Younger daughter totaled a fourth car, spent an evening in the hospital.

Started taking daughter to work at 5:30 every morning.

Best friend and I went to a women’s expo—ran into a friend from when I was a teacher.

Finally created a budget for myself.

Older daughter’s birthday.

November

My first colonoscopy—polyps found. Benign.

Ultrasound—liver tumor found. Benign.

Started taking care of my healthy: dermatologist, stomach

Attended my friend’s play—The Music Man.

Had acupuncture for the first time—fell asleep on the table.

Younger daughter caught in the part smoking pot—I had to retrieve her. Told her that we were done with this, she has to move out when she turns 18.

Awesome book club meeting with a guest speaker. My club is turning out to be fabulous.

Bought tickets to visit older daughter in the month of January.

Younger daughter began dating current boyfriend.

Younger daughter lashed out with an evil attitude toward me as punishment for “kicking her out.”

Extremely quiet Thanksgiving—neither of my children with me.

December

Continued with healthcare: GYN, dentist, psychiatrist.

Younger daughter turning 18 and making plans to move out.

Office party, holiday parties accompanied by my boyfriend.

Working on detachment.

Reconnected with my best friend from high school.

Younger daughter dyed her hair pinkish-orangeish-fuschiaish-reddish.

Found makeshift bong in her room.

My Best and Most Useful Post Yet

This is something I should read and reread like an affirmation daily. I realize that even though I'm an "expert" at having a troubled, pothead daughter, I missed (and still miss) so many of the signs. I might notice she's behaving differently, but I don't always string enough of the clues together. Am I in denial? I'm probably the queen of that region.

http://booboostotatoos.blogspot.com/2011/04/signs-your-teenager-is-on-drugs-what-to.html

Random List: New Discoveries

Some recent facts and findings:

• I found a homemade bong made from a plastic water bottle. The thing was configured with a hole punched in the side and tin foil around the lip, and the smell was obvious. It was right on my daughter's floor--I was just looking for the lint brush.
• My daughter allowed me a peek into how bad she used to be. She said whenever she was with a particular friend, they were high on ecstasy or Xanax or both. According to my daughter, this friend was also a "slutbag." I remember speaking with her mother half a dozen times about the girls. According to mom, her daughter was a confirmed good girl who was a clean and sober virgin.
• The other friend that my daughter spent most of her time with introduced her to raves. She was a bit more mellow and preferred pot and Xanax; in fact, when this friend crashed my older daughter's car, she was messed up on Xanax.
• My daughter admitted that she stole a lot of money from her nana--something she feels so terrible about. At the time, she figured that her nana had a lot of money and wouldn't miss it.
• All the expensive items that my daughter had stolen during her big rave days, were stolen or misplaced at the raves. This includes an expensive hair straightener, Ugg boots, a BlackBerry phone, an iPod, and money.
• She alluded to doing things she can't believe she did based on being high all the time. When I asked her what made her stop, she said she didn't like being out of control and spending so much money.
• Based on this information, she asserted that I should be glad that she "only" smokes weed now.
• She also told me I "let" her off too easily when I found out what she was doing. I don't see how that's true. I took everything away. I admitted to her that I wasn't prepared for something like that--I was in shock and quite horrified and beside myself. She said she understand that. I asked her if she remembers how volatile she was and how phony she was. She was (and is) quite the actress. She said maybe.
• I asked her if she was angry that I wasn't even tougher on her. She said it wouldn't have made a difference. She was going to do what she was going to do and would find a way--through lying, sneaking, manipulating. I can't argue with that.
• I asked her if she thought we needed to do family counseling together. Before I finished my question she said, "No! We do just fine on our own."

Detachment: The Key to Survival

I found this somewhere on the Internet on a message board, and it comes directly from Nar-Anon literature. It woke me up in a flash to not only what I've been enduring, but what I have to do to move on with my life. I've really been kidding myself about how "great" my daughter is doing. I realize she's not doing great and she wants no help from me. Sure, she manipulates me into doing things FOR her, but where has that gotten me?

For one thing, I'm getting phyically sick--have tumors in my liver and polyps in my colon, chronic migraines, high cholesterol, gray hair, and I grind my teeth (all exacerbated by stress). I'm old before my time and I can't let this sickness spread anymore. I have to have a life too, or else I'm no good for anyone. I saw myself in this article and it has occurred to me that it's time to join other parents who are going through this and get some support. Please read this if you're going through the same suffocating situation...

DETACHMENT: THE KEY TO SURVIVAL

Overcoming the continual flow of one crisis after another caused by addiction requires
detachment. Here is how it has already helped many in Nar-Anon.


We all want to be helpful, kind and caring people. For many of us, that has been the
hallmark of our character. We helped others, especially the addict in our life, even
when we had to sacrifice to do it. When our addicted loved one had a problem, we
were the first to come to the rescue. If they were fired from their job, arrested or simply
sick from the drugs, we defended them, had them released and nursed them day and
night.


Even when they were hurtful to us, we overlooked the physical and mental pain we
suffered while we tried to help. Without realizing it we became addicted to helping
them regardless of the consequences for them, for us or our family. Our lives where
centered on making things right, fixing all the problems and carrying all the
responsibilities. Our lives and happiness became focused on what we did for the
addict.


In fact many of us felt we had no life separate from our addicted spouse, child, or
friend. Others could see this, but we couldn't, we denied any suggestion along those
lines.


Nar-Anon helped us see this destructive and compulsive behavior for what it is--part of
the family disease of addiction. Nar-Anon also helped us understand and begin to use
an important tool to overcome this contributing part of the disease: DETACHMENT.


Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It is simply a way of beginning our own
recovery program, and allows us to recover from the devastating effects that living with
the disease of addiction has had on our lives.


Detachment is facing reality so we can look at our own situation in a more objective
and realistic way. By employing detachment, we begin to create a positive chain of
reactions which allow us to make intelligent and constructive decisions.


When we disengage our emotions from the problems and addict we love and care
about, that's detachment. This doesn't mean we walk away but rather we learn to see
the cause and effects objectively and unemotionally.


Detaching doesn't mean we stop loving or caring. We can still love and care about the
addict, we just have to do it in ways that leave them free to solve their addiction and
problems their using created.


First we learn that we are not responsible for the illness or actions of the addict. This is
a critical point. As long as we somehow felt we were responsible for their using or the
consequences of their using, we were trapped in the insanity of the disease. Drug
addiction is a disease, which the addict did not set out to get, and neither they nor us
have control over who gets the disease and who does not.


We become aware that we are obsessed with another's behavior and as we learn to let
go we find that we can live our lives in a more manageable, happier and constructive
way. This doesn't mean we have to live without them it means we become aware of
and exercise our own individuality.


We learn in Nar-Anon:

~~ Not to allow ourselves to be manipulated or controlled by another person. Don't
automatically react to things they do or say. Take time to take stock of all the facts and
then mediate ----- your Higher Power will help.

~~ Not to accept others responsibilities each person needs to carry their share of
burdens and responsibilities. As long as we take on the work load of the one we love,
they feel free to go do something else without facing the consequences.

~~ Not to stand in the way to prevent a crisis; when they are sick from using, we don't
say it's a cold. When they spend the car payment money on drugs we don't borrow
money from our friends or relatives. As long as we continued to prevent a crisis,
nothing changed or improved, we simply had a harder time finding solutions

~~ Not to provoke a crisis; the next crisis is going to come in its natural time. Creating a
new one only adds to the problems you face.

~~ Not to make excuses, cover up or take the blame for others; if they have done
something wrong, we learn to let them suffer the consequences. Yes, there may be
consequences for us and other family members too, but we learn the emotional cost for
their action is not ours to pay.

~~ We care enough not to care; while this sounds harsh, we cannot continue to worry
ourselves sick over what they are doing or what is going to happen next. We have our
lives to live too and only if we can care enough not to care can we begin to have life of
our own.

~~ Not to be personally offended by the addict. We can look past the drugs and see
another human being who has the disease called addiction which is caused by drugs.
We learn to be compassionate towards them without taking on shame because they
have an incurable disease.

~~ Detachment brings us closer to our Higher Power because without help from God
things are not really going to get better.

~~ What are the rewards of detachment? At first there may be pain, uncertainty and
more worry. But in time the weight of carrying everybody's burdens will lighten. When
we restrict our burdens to our share, life becomes easier to face.

~~ We begin to have some clarity on our thinking and reaction to problems. Clarity
leads to peace of mind and the more we exercise detachment in our loving
relationships the more peace we find in ourselves.

~~ Detachment begins to free us from the bondage we've been in for years. At last we
can live without feelings of guilt or shame. In time, the feeling of insecurity or lack of
self worth will fade and will be replaced with confidence.

~~ Detachment brings freedom and can eventually lead to a sense of serenity.
Achieving detachment is a slow process and one filled with triumph and pain. But this
is where you get closer to your Higher Power.

~~ Detachment does not come easily or quickly. Most Nar-Anon members report better
progress when they regularly attend meetings and work with a sponsor. By sharing our
progress and setbacks with other members we gain new strength for the challenges
ahead.

~~ Without the experience, strength and hope we learn from others, Detachment will
likely remain a theory mentioned in a pamphlet. Building detachment as an element of
your character takes effort and support. You can find that support in Nar-Anon.

I Must Learn to DETACH! (Long ranting post)

Sadly, life with my troubled teen has been dismal and miserable for the past few weeks. I’m a bundle of nerves, stressed to the point of physical illness, and spend my days grinding my teeth and feeling like I’m suffocating. I can’t say or do anything right; even my most innocuous comments like, “Have a good day,” are met with disdain and disgust.

It’s like she turned on me all of a sudden. I’ve been trying to reflect on my wild and disconnected thoughts about this experience. Since they don’t connect in any stream of consciousness or weblike way, the only thing I can do is make a list of what has changed and what I’ve seen, dealt with, felt, found…

Found

Several gram bags in her trash, on her floor, even out in the open. They’re the mini Ziploc-style baggies with the cute designs on them, like happy faces or dollar signs. I worried at first that they mean a hit of heroin, as someone told me, but after more research, I was “relieved” to find out that these are used for $20 worth of pot. Relieved, haha!

Lost

Our relationship. It is dying a slow, agonizing death. She has poisoned it with her downward spiral and I feel totally powerless to resuscitate it. She won’t have a conversation with me that has any depth or meaning, and most of our talking is through text messages. The most I get is, “Do you have any color safe leave-in conditioner?” And she has one stock answer for any question or comment I might have: “ok.” In lower case letters. She will also pull the “well, you threw me out” card wherever she can needle it in. Of course I’m not nervous around her or afraid of her, but it sure feels awkward around my child now. She has a giant chip on her shoulder that’s destroying what I thought we had. We had really built a decent relationship where we enjoyed each other’s company. I don’t know why she decided to cause so much damage.

Changes

Besides her shitty attitude...dear daughter changed her hair from bleached out hooker hair to bright pinkish, neonish, reddish. It is much like clown hair with bangs—and I think she looks ridiculous. The crazy change indicates to me a “fuck all of you” attitude, which has certainly been reflected in her comments to me and about just about anyone around her. People at work are no longer respecting her; what a surprise, right? She’s fretting that everyone is rude to her now and looking at her funny. What the hell does she expect? She’s not a kid in high school—she has a real job, and there are certain expectations. I tried to tell her that in a diplomatic way, and am met with, “I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.” OK, that’s the spirit. Her hair is really just a symptom of her overall bad attitude and negative presentation to the world.

New Boyfriend

He’s not too bad, considering. He’s one of those kids I knew aplenty back when I was a teacher. Highly intelligent, well-mannered, lots of potential, even witty…but lazy, unmotivated, a bit slovenly, and an underachiever. He’s a big guy, and he is clearly smitten with my daughter and if he hasn’t gotten into her pants already, he’ll be there soon. They’ve even changed their Facebook statuses to “in a relationship.” She likes him too, though she’s been complaining about him a bit, which to me marks the beginning of the end. She loves the initial part of a new relationship, but quickly tires of them and finds all their flaws—usually things she found endearing at first.

They’ve spent a lot of time together—he’s one of the few who makes that possible, despite not having a car, a cell phone, his own apartment…but he like her enough I guess to find a ride, a phone to use, and a place to go. And he does have a full time job—at a fast food restaurant.

The other day, when she was sick, I tried to be helpful to her and get to know him a little by picking him up and bringing him over to the house. He helped me hang curtains, I fed him, and we all joked around a bit. At the end of the evening, around 9:30 pm,  I asked him one too many questions about his ride home (they rejected a ride from me—probably because they intended to make a “pickup” stop) and my daughter launched into a rage that came out of nowhere. It went on with such anger and bite that she appeared hysterical to me and I had to tell her to calm down.

That made her frothier—to the point where I felt like I was going to have temper tantrum. I SOOO wanted to hit her, but I don’t do that. Her boyfriend even said to me when she walked out of the room, “If I did that, my dad would beat the shit out of me.” That actually caused me to tear up. I felt so helpless and impotent—there was literally nothing I could do. I can’t/wouldn’t beat her; she doesn’t process a raised voice or a voice of reason; and she doesn’t care if she hurts, insults, or disrespects me. Instead of yelling at her with an audience in the room, I left the house for a few hours to settle down. I went to my boyfriend’s house, who I’ve found to be understanding, sympathetic (he’s been through all this with his son), and my rock.

During the time I was gone, I texted her to let her know that I’d be gone for the evening and that she should arrange for her own ride to work in the morning. She responded with, “Be safe. Love you.” A few more pleasant texts like that and I was baffled. She didn’t apologize or acknowledge her abuse, she just acted like nothing had happened. I came home around 2 am, and much to my exasperation, the boyfriend had never left and was asleep in the guest room. All that drama for fucking nothing.

The next day, I discussed the situation with my mother and I got, “Don’t let her get away with that. She won.” WTF? What am I supposed to do?? Lower myself to fighting and arguing with a drug addict? I don’t win no matter what I do. Today I’m looking into Nar Anon and finding a meeting. This is nuts. I must learn to DETACH.