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12/23/12

A Message from George Carlin

I love this essay--so eloquent and true.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't share this with anyone....Who cares?

George Carlin

Al-Anon Meeting

On Friday, I was feeling rather troubled about all that I had learned about my daughter's secret life, and tried to go about my business anyway. I met my boyfriend at the gym to try and get out some stress. However, I truly had zero energy and was heart wasn't in a workout. I still managed to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill with him, during which time I told him about the mugshot and school and her car. He is very supportive, but there's no way he can reel in my emotions for me. We ended up leaving--not working out on weights--and took a little ride in his car.

When we got back to my car, he made a suggestion--that I go check out Al-Anon. A friend had suggested that a while back and I went as far as to look up the meeting schedule, but I never followed through. But I looked up the schedule right then on my phone, and there happened to be a meeting close to my house in an hour and half from then. I decided to go. Said goodbye to my boyfriend and went home to change and go to the meeting.

I'm not one to get nervous about such things, and I was motivated. I just didn't really know what to expect. I was a little taken aback by the small number of people, and by the appearance of them. There were two very old ladies--one in a walker and the other limping, a trashy looking 60-year-old, and frumpy 40-year old, an man of unknown age with long, bushy hair, a cowboy hat, and a Quaker Oats beard, and a younger, awkward woman with tattered shoes. My first impression was snobby, but then nearly all of them were so friendly and welcoming that I forgot about my initial reaction.

It was a rough start because the scheduled leader didn't come and that meant that someone else would have to fill in. AW agreed to do it, but she was really uncomfortable and unprepared. The Quaker Oats guy ended up doing it.

It's a 12-step program, so there's certain rituals they follow every time. First, the newcomers are given a welcome from a member of the group. The limping woman volunteered and she told me about how she'd been coming for 30 years, and that her husband and son were alcoholics and her daughter was a drug addict. She was very open and I appreciated that. We read the steps and the tenets of AA/Al-Anon, and then the leader picked a topic to discuss for the meeting. He talked about how his problem in his life had always been not paying attention to the what was really important, but worrying more about making life easier and ensuring that he always came out on top. I didn't relate to that, but it was just a topic from which you could diverge.

Each person took turns speaking, some of their discussion was directly related to what QO talked about, but others talked about how the 12 steps could be applied to all parts of your life. Some just flat-out rambled; I may have been one of those people because my thoughts and feelings were all over the place. I just wanted to talk, but the time is limited and I was not following any steps. AW told me afterward that she was glad I came and that I was so articulate! Very nice of her to say.

The meeting closed with the Serenity Prayer and the words "Keep coming back. It works . . . "

Afterward, I was invited to join some of them for coffee at a nearby Denny's. At first, I was going to say no because Denny's is gross, it was late, and I hardly knew these people. But something told me to go. It was AW, QO guy, and me only. We ended up talking for an hour and a half--like nonstop talking. QO loves telling stories and had been involved in Al-Anon for so long that he knew everything about it. AW revealed that she had been in rehab for bipolar disorder and worked with severely mentally ill people. Fascinating discussion, enlightening stories, and very comforting to know that my feelings and experiences are not so unique. Everyone is different, of course, but it was nice to say something and have someone nod in agreement instead of judgment or horror!

As a result of the evening, I have these takeaways:

  • Everyone has a story, and everyone needs support for something. I might be addicted to being controlling; thus, my need to clean, organized, clear out closets, and give things away.
  • There's something in everyone's experience that can help us in ours.
  • When dealing with someone with an addiction, follow the three Os: Get Out of their way, get Off their backs, and get On your your life.
  • Another phrase I remember: If you have to understand to accept then you don't understand.
  • The 12 steps must work; there are about 400 different programs that follow them.
  • The 12 steps take work--they are in order and you can't go to the next step until you finish the previous one. No skipping around.
  • Al-Anon is not to learn how to cope with the drug addict or alcoholic; it's purpose is to get you to get on with your life.
  • Many of the people have been coming for decades, even after the family member became sober, because it's something they do for themselves.
  • They recommend you go six time before you decide if it's for you or not. I'll do that for sure.

12/21/12

Want to meet someone with a broken heart? How do you do?

After writing that last post and knowing I need to know what I don't want to know, I searched for arrest records for my throwing-away-her-life daughter. I found her mugshot first.

Since this is really new business for me, I first examined the picture to see if she looked remorseful. To my relief, she didn't look rebellious, she looked really upset, even a little scared. I though she actually looked beautiful--too beautiful to be on a mugshot page with prostitutes and drug addicts and gang bangers. Then I remembered, those are now her people. Not her nice, educated, loving family.

On December 9, she was stopped for something (not sure if it was a broken taillight or what), but they charged her for driving on a revoked license and failure to appear in court. But on December 17, she was charged with criminal possession of drugs. I assume it's weed and not heroin or other harder drugs. I don't approve of weed, but in the larger scheme of things, I'd be relieved if that's what it was. I don't know if they were two separate incidents or one incident, two filings. She's an adult, so unless she tells me, I'll never know. And nothing that comes out of her mouth is the truth.

I had no idea she let her life get so out of control. Why has she shut me out? If she would only listen to me, I could help her and her life would be wonderful. Eh-what am I talking about? Even when she "lets" me give her advice or offer her some help, it's just ear service. She has no intention of changing.

Trust me, seeing your beautiful daughter's mugshot where the world can see it, including your boss and the people who want to screw with you, is the ultimate heartbreak. It's also humiliating, frightening, demoralizing--and highlights your failure as a parent.

Good riddence, daughter. I love you, but you're ruining my life.

I wasn’t too thrilled when my daughter told me she was moving out again, but she made all the arrangements and really seemed to be ready to go. She has a hard time living with me and maintaining all her secrets, I guess. She’s been out of the house for a couple of weeks, but most of her clothes and toiletries are still in my house.

Not a great segue, but yesterday at work I happened to be scrolling through the notes app on my phone and saw that I had her school login information. I forgot it was in there; otherwise, I would’ve applied it way before. I had just the day before asked her how her finals went and she said she aced them. I was proud of her for doing well.

Back to the school login—I logged in to check on her grades and to see if there were any outstanding charges. And to what my two eyes did appear? She withdrew from one class and had an F in the other. Two easy classes and she couldn’t handle it.

I was sick to my stomach immediately, because it’s not just dropping classes, it’s a whole list of other things that go with it.

It means she’s back to drugs, there must be many other lies, and now that she’s 18—she’s probably been in trouble with the law. I immediately thought the very worst, as that’s my nature. But after all these years with this child, how else can I think? I knew at that moment that she was truly lying about still working at the great job, about how she makes her money, and who her friends are. Put that together with finding a check-out sheet from jail, and we’ve got a no-duh.

Backing up again, on her birthday last week, I met her for dinner at her favorite place. She looked beautiful—very sexily dressed—but truly beautiful. I couldn’t get over it. We had a benign conversation in which she told me her car was in the shop for the alternator and everything else was great. Work was great, school was great, her boyfriend who’s now her friend is great. Just great.

It was super great when she asked me to drop her off at the tattoo place to get her free birthday piercing. She was doing a lip, I believe, to go along with the nipples, nose, tongue, thing above her lip, belly button, and, well, that’s all I know about. The nice “gentlemen” there were polite to me as they sat there in their full sleeves and face “art,” telling me about the 84-year-old woman who got her first tattoo there just last week. Oh, and did I know how many doctors and lawyers are their customers? Great, Mr. White-Supremacist with the semi-automatic pistol on the counter, just great. She said, “Don’t worry, Mom. I come here all the time.” She’s 19. She doesn’t live with me. She makes her own decisions. Doesn’t stop me from being sick to my stomach.

Bring it forward. Troubled daughter’s older sister called today to celebrate the end of her last final for the semester. She’s so excited, loves school, loves her major, and is really learning. I help her with her homework and discuss ideas with her from time to time—you know, a normal college experience. I’m so proud of her I could just scream! I hate to sound like I favor her, but I sure enjoy hearing about her life waaaaay more.

The conversation went in the direction of her sister. Ugh, I hate when that happens, but at the same time, she likes to be in the loop. Turns out she’s way more in the loop than I am. Troubled sister tells doing-the-right-thing sister what’s going on with her on occasion. There has  been so much going on lately that I’ve been completely shut out from.

Making-a-mess-of-her-life daughter:

1.       Has a job, yes, in a porn “studio” as an assistant. I guess she changes the sheets and goes for coffee?

2.       Was pulled over for something and the police searched her car and found weed. They arrested her and impounded her car. She knew not to call me and I guess no one else could bail her out, so she spent the night in jail. Her car isn’t exactly in the shop.

3.       Takes taxis to work.

4.       Is being arraigned in February.

5.       Has not told me a thing and I’m not supposed to know.

6.     Has a huge lingerie wardrobe, and other stuff.

I’m working from home today, and have packed all her stuff and put it in the garage. I’m not crying, though I’m sick inside. I’m kind of suspended—like I’m hovering over my keyword and some other lady is living this life. I feel paralyzed and don’t know if I should be helping her or just let her do her own life.

Since no one reads this, I will admit out loud that I just want  this to go away, to erase her life from mine. I love my daughter and long for my little sweetie pie, but she’s clearly not there anymore. I’m so sad, yet so jaded, that I don’t know what to do or how to feel or who to turn to or what to think anymore. I’m 49 years old—how much more of my life can be stolen from me? I’ve eliminated friends because I don’t want anyone to find out and I gave up counseling for myself because of the cost. Not even sure what my role is anymore and I feel like I've wasted so much of my life on this futile effort. I have no life.