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1/10/12

The Top 20 Rejected Children’s Books

Ok, here's a good laugh I found here:  http://www.realityparenting.com/humor.html:


The Top 20 Rejected Children’s Books

20. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?

19. The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book

18. The Frog Formerly Known as Prince

17. Alice in WonderBraLand

16. The Legend of Three-Card Monte

15. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie

14. The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away

13. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland

12. Where the Wildings Are

11. The Little Big Book of Necrophelia

10. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book

9. Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick

8. The Crack House at Pooh Corner

7. The Dummy's Guide to Crying

6. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It

5. Where's Waldo's Weewee?

4. The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book

3. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help

2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will


And the Number 1 Rejected Children's Book ...

1. Furious George Delivers the Mail

Teenage Daughter - Owner's Manual

I found this funny parody somewhere on the Internet--author is unknown. It gave me a chuckle, even though my daughter was wayyyy worse!

Teenage Daughter - Owner's Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
 

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. 
Does she:
a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-in Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.                                                                                            
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps that you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing that will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections that are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

It's good to be good!

I’m very proud of my formerly troubled daughter. She is just like her mother and older sister in that she has a tremendous work ethic and strives to excel. Here’s some of the compliments, stats, and accolades she’s forwarded to me in the last few months. This is a good foundation for her future and tells me she really is my real child!

After a collection phone call, a customer asked to speak to my daughter’s manager. This is the email he sent to the department after the call:
“Ms. XX Jones wanted inform us of how helpful and patient (my daughter) was with helping her on her account. She said ‘most people are so quick to be negative and (my daughter) was the opposite as well as appreciative.’ Thank you and great job (my daughter)!!! Keep it up!!”

This was after an interview for a job that was way over her head, yet she felt confident enough to apply for:
“It was very nice to meet with you, (my daughter). Thank you for your interest and application for the position of Procedures Analyst. We were impressed with your abilities. We had quite a number of qualified candidates who applied for this opening. We have completed the interviewing process and have filled the position. If you'd like feedback, please contact me and I'd be happy to meet with you to discuss further. Again, I would like to thank you for your interest and taking the time to meet with me.”

After the manager computed their monthly numbers, this is from the email he sent to the department:
“We hit 80.00% as a team last month, JUST BARELY. I know we can step it up and be at 90%! Let's strive for it, remember every call is a new call! The two winners are.....
Best Overall = (my daughter)
Most Improved = Sarina
AWESOME JOB!!!”

(my daughter)’s manager sent this email to the department after being contacted by a satisfied customer:
“To (my daughter): Mrs. Payne was "served very well" by (my daughter)! CM says she is very happy with (our company) and will tell all of her friends about the great service she received today! Good Job (my daughter)! Thanks for looking after our customers, (my daughter)...especially the ones that share my last name!!!

I received this one from my daughter after a particularly satisfying call (she likes to abbreviate):
“oh and i got another compliment call from this one cm. he sd he went thru a horrible break with his ex who cheated on him and all he did was leave with his clothes, she apparently let all the bills that came in, go to collections and now he has to wait to see which ones hes late on. I offrd him dpp w/ the late fee removed and helped lower the min payment and also of course free up some extra room on his acct. he loved me!

Another happy message from my daughter:
“idk but i feel awesome. im #2 in the dept!!!!"

1/9/12

An Empty Nest = Simple Math

I’ve discovered the number one reason to accept your empty nest status—it is the single best way to improve your relationships with your children, especially the troublesome ones. Suddenly, you see all your hard work, nurturing, guiding, and good sense flowing from your offspring. It’s sort of like when they were little—you’d send them to a friend’s house and the parents would tell you what great manners your child had, something you didn’t see so much at home! No longer are you on top of each other, overwhelmed with responsibilities, expectations, and visions of grandeur. It’s so much easier to see your dear daughters as separate units, capable young adults who do know how to do for themselves, who don’t really need you to fix everything, fight their battles, and cut their meat!
I’m realizing what a smart, mature young woman my formerly troubled daughter truly is. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s learned from her mistakes and has learned a few things from me as well. We have wonderful conversations now, both on the phone, through texting and emailing, and in person—about life and decisions and future plans. It was too hard before because we were always enmeshed in our daily lives with me harping on the last infraction.
To my delight, since moving into her own apartment, my daughter has learned what it takes to run a household, the value of a dollar, the strength it takes to earn that dollar, and that she has no time for nonsense. Because life is so expensive, she’s definitely cut down on whatever she smokes (I can’t say for sure if she has eliminated cigarettes and pot), and the domino effect is a beautiful thing to see. She now has no trouble waking up in the morning, making it so she’s early for work each day. Being early and not stressed has caused her to improve her performance overall and earn a raise. She’s also developed a new sense of confidence and is applying for a promotion. Her responsibility in paying her rent and bills has earned her her first credit card, and because she works for a credit card company, she knows how to handle it properly (without getting into the trouble I’m all too familiar with).
So these are very good things. For her, it’s wonderful because she can be herself and do whatever she pleases without me pulling on her. Ironically, she calls me more than ever—every day, sometimes twice a day—“just to talk.” She said she still needs to hear my voice and run things by me; in fact, whenever something positive happens, I’m the first one she calls. And when she’s got something troubling her, I’m STILL the first one she calls. Isn’t that something? She barely talked to me other than to goof around for the 18 years she lived with me!
I don’t care; I’ll take a warm relationship with my daughter any way I can get it. I love her company more than ever (there were admittedly times before that I did, too), and I’ve been tremendously successful at keeping my mouth shut about her hair color (still fluorescent red), her drab clothes (she suddenly rejected the pretty wardrobe and shoe collection she had for a long time), and her housekeeping skills (I don’t have to live with her anymore, so who cares if her room is messy!).
No sniping, no nagging, no judging = no rebellion, no defensiveness, no belligerence.
I like our new equation.