What happens when your kid turns 18? They're still your baby, but...

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Everything You Need to Know When Your Child Turns 18

Quick tips from celebrations to legal implications

By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide

Source: http://youngadults.about.com/od/collegeprep/tp/Turning18.htm

Turning 18 is a big deal, not just from a parent's emotional perspective, but legally too. Here's a quick rundown on everything you need to know when your child turns 18, from celebrations to legal implications.

1. 5 Ways the Law Impacts New 18-Year-Olds

Eighteen is a magic birthday, a milestone into adulthood accompanied by great privileges as well as serious legal implications. At 18, your teen can vote, buy a house or wed his high school sweetheart. He can also go to jail, get sued and gamble away his tuition in Vegas. Here are five major ways the law impacts new adults.

2. Selective Service, the Draft & Your Teen

There hasn't been a military draft in the United States since the 1970s, but your son still has to register anyway. Here's the lowdown on who, why, where and how, plus a little background on the Selective Service and its link to college financial aid.

3. 5 Ways an 18th Birthday Impacts Parents

It's natural for parents to get all sentimental when their kids turn 18, but that milestone carries profound legal implications for parents too. Want to see your 18-year-old's medical records? His grades? No can do. Here are five, often unexpected ways your child's big birthday will impact you.

4. Teens, Sex & the Law

You know that sweet teen romance, the one between your 18-year-old child and his or her slightly younger beau? Be careful. While statutory rape and similar laws were written to protect children from abuse by older, predatory partners, teenagers can get caught in the crossfire. What's permissible in some states means jail time in others, and enforcement can range from a slap on the wrist to a decade in jail.

5. Federal Privacy Laws, Your Child's Grades & You

Those same federal privacy laws that allowed you access to your child's school records, and the opportunity to inspect and review his transcripts and disciplinary records, morph into a locked door when your child turns 18. Here's why.

6. 18th Birthday Party Ideas

Swirled frosting? Check. Goody bags? Got ‘em. We all know how to host a kiddie birthday party, but an 18th birthday is a big deal.Suddenly, your baby’s an adult, and it’s nice to mark the occasion with a little added oomph. Only question is, what kind of party? Here are five 18th birthday party possibilities.

7. Family Vacations After the Kids Grow Up

Just because the kids are grown doesn't mean you have to give up family vacations. In fact, an increasing number of families with teens, college kids and 20somethings continue to vacation together, at least occasionally. So here are tips on structuring the perfect family vacation - when everyone's grown up.

8. 5 Great Vacations for Families with Older Teens and College Kids

Teens and 20somethings are adventuresome travel companions, who enjoy a mix of outdoor adventure, cultural immersion, fine dining and cool shopping. So here's a sampling of five great vacation destinations - Montreal sightseeing, voluntourism in New Orleans, beaches, jungles and adventure - for families with young adults.

5 Great Books on Parenting Young Adults

How To Let Go... But Not Too Much

By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide

Source: http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/lettinggo.htm

There's a sudden shift in roles when children grow up. Do you simply let go and shut up? Stay involved, no matter what 20-something wrath you invoke? And where's the how-to book, anyway?

Unlike the toddler parenting years, there aren't 4 million books out there on parenting grown-ups, but here are five good parenting advice books to add to your bookshelf:

1.    The College Years: Karen Levin Coburn's Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years is a top choice among freshman parents and beleaguered college deans. Coburn, dean of freshman transition at Washington University, and co-author Madge Treeger delve into how to reinvent the parent-child relationship, and how to encourage "independent decision making with an expression of support for whatever is decided." In other words, how to offer loving guidance without anyone throwing objects at your head.

2.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Jane Adams' gently funny I'm Still Your Mother: How to Get Along with Your Grown-Up Children for the Rest of Your Life offers down-to-earth advice packaged under such irresistible chapter headings as “Maybe This is Just a Stage You’re Going Through” and “I Don’t Care What You Do, Darling, As Long As It Makes You Happy, and Other Lies Mothers Tell Their Children.”

3.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Brandeis University's Ruth Nemzoff tackles family dynamics in Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. The old dictum about letting go and shutting up may have worked back in granny's day, when lifespans were considerably shorter, but you and your adult children may have another half century together. Shouldn't it be in the context of a loving and supportive family relationship, rather than in the spirit of "I disapprove of your decisions but I'm going to zip my lip and ooze unspoken disapproval instead"?

4.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Jane Isay's Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents shares real-people stories and practical tips to demonstrate that even the smallest changes in behavior- how you communicate and how you relate to the other people who are important in your kids' lives - can make a big difference.

5.    The Entire Family: And finally, Georgetown University linguistics professor Deborah Tannen offers up I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults. Tannen explores family arguments, conversations and misunderstandings. It's not just the messages that count, she says, it's the "metamessages" - the words we say and the words they hear.

Can parents be friends with their adult children? Is it normal?

I just love this article—it’s such a positive way to look at the relationship between parents and their adult children. I was once one of those helicopter parents, but now I can morph that constant involvement into a healthy “consultant” role for my girls.

Parenting Tips for Staying Close to Your Adult Child, While Letting Go

Nurturing the new, empty nest, parent-adult child relationship

By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide

Source: http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/Stayingclose.htm

Remember back when your kids were young and the parenting advice was, they don’t need a friend - they need a parent? Now that your kids are grown, it’s the reverse. Like any adult, they don’t want a micromanager vetting their playmates, fretting about how much sleep they get or kibbitzing about how they spend their time. Instead, they’re looking for the very thing you once fantasized about: a wise and loving friend and mentor.

Question is, how do you, the parent or empty nester, restructure the relationship so you’re neither too involved, nor so hands-off there isn’t much of a relationship there at all?

·    The new you: advisor extraordinaire. It may be helpful if you think of yourself as a consultant instead of a 24/7 manager. Just like in the corporate world, good consultants offer expertise only when asked, couch it diplomatically and expect that at least half of what they say will be ignored. That’s OK. It’s no reflection on your superb (of course!) advice. Your input is just a part of what your now-grown child may be using to make a decision and in any case, it’s not your choice to make. But you can avoid hurt feelings on both sides if you preface your advice with phrases such as “One possible solution might be …” or “You’re probably looking at many issues, but one thing to consider is …”

·     Don’t zip it. Keeping communication lines open is even more important now as your roles shift, says Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, author of Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. Talk frankly and openly about what both of you want, need and expect in this new relationship. It may be as simple as a Sunday evening call home, or another regular way to keep in touch.

·     Be respectful. You probably wouldn’t criticize a friend’s choice of spouse, profession or hemline, yet it’s common to blurt those well-intentioned, but oh-so-poorly-phrased criticisms to an adult child: “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” or “What kind of job is that for an adult?” If you truly thought your friend was making a terrible mistake, you’d tell him, but carefully and tactfully. Exercise the same respect and compassion with your child. At the same time, be aware that your child will probably hear implied criticism in just about everything you say, including "Gee, you look tired." Talking it out helps.

·     Nurture the relationship. Here’s the best part: Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected. Enjoy it.

Is this really bad?

You may judge me negatively—I sure would if I were you—but here’s what I did. A few posts back I mentioned that my daughter dyed her hair an ugly fluorescent red color and I freakin’ hated it. I did keep my mouth shut, but she still knew how I felt about it. When she tried to get a promotion at work and was turned down, I couldn’t help but take that opportunity to say that the interviewer most likely judged her by her appearance, wrong as she might think that is.

Still, this did not persuade her to change her hair color back to her luscious brunette hue.

I tried making jokes.

I tried asking nicely.

I tried bribing her with groceries and clothes and paying for professional hair services.

I tried begging.

All to no avail. She said she loved her hair as is and wasn’t willing to change it.

But—one day we were in Walmart and out of the blue she said she’s change her hair to black if I bought her a 30-pack of Bud Light. I said, “Are you kidding? You’re underage and I don’t condone that. Forget it.”

Then a week later, we were on some errands together and I saw what a ratty mess her hair was—from her roots growing in, to the faded/discolored chunks on the back of her head. I suddenly became so desperate that I made the freakiest offer of my life: a 30-pack of Bud Light in exchange for her dyeing her hair black and keeping it that way for six months. She actually gave it a few minutes’ thought, sent some texts, used her lifeline, and gave her final answer: YES.

YES! So, I won (right?). I bought the beer, gave it to my underage daughter, and she bought black dye for her hair. I saw her a week later and VOILA she’s a brunette! I love it and think she looks so beautiful. Of course, I had to tell her that black was something I had to get used to so she’d at least feel like she was still being a little rebellious. She says she dies a little inside every time she looks in the mirror, but that a deal’s a deal. My response? “You’re such a drama queen!”

On the other hand, I, a straight-laced-almost-complete-tee-totaler, bought my 18-year-old daughter 30 cans of beer. So, I ask, is it THAT bad?

Life Goes On: Empty Nest and Beyond

The empty nest thing is working out ok, I must say. The highlight is having greatly reduced stress in my everyday life. Sure, I still worry like a madwoman about my girls, but I am learning that no news is good news. If I don’t hear from them for a day or two, they’ve told me I can assume it’s because they’re simply busy going about their lives. Not having their everyday issues in my face is a mad relief for me. I have time to think about other things.

Another highlight is resuming a more active social life—much like I had before I became a mother. My boyfriend of many years also has an empty nest, so we’re getting used to not worrying about whom we have to drive somewhere or wait for or consider, and going out and having fun. Just last week, we picked up and went skiing. It was so easy with two people. We pretty much just got in the car and left town. We’ve spent time with friends, going to community events, and dining out in non-kid restaurants. It’s been wonderful, actually.

The greatest achievement for me has been gaining the confidence to discontinue my antidepressant medication. I was originally prescribed Pristiq to cope with my older daughter leaving home for college 2 ½ years ago. Well, I got through that hump and a number of others, and now most of the stressors are removed from my life. I appreciate how the pills helped me maintain my composure and eliminate depression and anxiety, but I didn’t want to be medicated forever. So, I’ve been off the meds since January 17—for a total now of 20 days. I went off cold turkey, so there were a few rough, vertigo-y days in there, but I feel overall very good. I have dropped some weight and have more energy. I also feel things a little more—antidepressants make you slightly numb. I’m sure there will be times when I feel sad, even depressed, but I’ll try other remedies to get me through.

I’m proud of how far my “troubled” teen has come, and that has taken a load off my mind. Letting her go (in a way, making her go) seems to be the best thing that has ever happened to her, to me, and to our relationship. It’s a more loving one now. I know there will be obstacles and issues in the near and distant future, but I also know we can handle them if we use maturity, respect, and love. I will cross my fingers, my toes, and my eyes in hopes that this tranquility can last.