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3/2/12

What Really Happens When The Children Leave The Nest

Hilarious parody from: http://www.thetoque.com/011023/emptynest.htm

MAUI, HI-- Parents often have to deal with separation anxiety. Their children have left for college, or finally moved out on their own, leaving mom and dad with a suddenly quiet house. Shelley and Phil Pleasance are one couple that are struggling to cope with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS).
On their recent trip to Maui, the Pleasances tried to deal with the emptiness.
Shelley busied herself by consuming several Mai Tai's and shopping for tiki souvenirs in the public market. At the pig roast one evening, she could barely contain her emotion, while she filled her face with poi.
Phil, like most men of his generation, tried to bury his feelings deep in his gut by lounging around the pool, reading a Stephen King novel and working on his tan, all the while appearing aloof from his inner turmoil.
It must have been quite obvious to their new friends, Frieda and Elmer Parkinson from Buffalo, that they were trying to deal with loss at home.
"I could tell by the way Phil was enjoying himself that something had changed domestically," said Elmer, a retired photocopier technician. "He was laughing and joking and carrying on like a burden was lifted after long years. But I could see through that."
Shelley admitted that there was an adjustment period when their son Duncan left for Stanford University in late August.
"It was so strange when [Duncan] left for college," said Shelley, who has joined an aquarobics class in their home town of Beaconsville, Indiana. "I woke up the next day, and walked naked through the house. I took a long bath, watched a few hours of television, and then went out for lunch with some friends. And that night, Phil was friskier than he'd been in a long time. It was a real adjustment."
"This sort of devastation is often masked," said Dr. Albert Phinney. "Parents, such as the Pleasances, try to handle separation grief by participating in activities that they enjoy or didn't have time for when they were raising childen. Their happiness and false sense of relief at the lessening of responsibility is often confused with the personal emotional sadness that they are experiencing."
Phil's evident pain was exhibited when he recently sold the family mini-van and bought a Camaro in a rash decision obviously clouded by withdrawal pangs associated with ENS.
"It was a rough time," said Phil. "I'm sure I was so overwhelmed with emotion over my missing son, that I made some impulsive choices. Perhaps Shelly and I should have waited a week or two before throwing that party."
"I could see that Phil was behaving oddly, and I'm sure it was due to ENS," added Shelley. "He was obviously having difficulty walking by Duncan's bedroom because he immediately turned it into a computer room."
The Pleasances hope that their planned three-week Caribbean cruise in December will help as well. But they have so much sorrow to overcome.


Here is a simple test to help mothers know the score...

Cute little article I dug up, written by Sheila Moss. http://www.humorcolumnist.com/emptynest.htm

Empty-Nest Syndrome
Mothers sometimes complain that adult children abandon them after they grow up and leave the nest. Empty-nest mothers feel as if the children no longer care. They want to know whether the children still love them.

Here is a simple test to help mothers know the score.

Regardless of how hard it is, do NOT call or contact your adult child for one week, but wait to let her or him contact you first. Subtract 1 point for each day that passes without a call or visit. If you give in and call the child, subtract 10 points.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Call up your adult child on the phone and say, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to lend you any more money. ever." If the child says, "That's okay, mom, you've done more than enough already." give yourself 1 point.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Visit your local hospital and call the adult child. Say, "I'm calling from the hospital. Can you get over here right away?" Hang up. Give yourself 1 point if the child is there within an hour.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Invite your adult child to come over for dinner. When the child arrives, say something else came up and you didn't have time to cook. If the child offers to take you out to eat, 1 point. If it's fast food or no food, subtract 1.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Ask your adult child to take you to your next medical appointment. On the way home, ask her or him to stop at the pharmacy, the grocery store, and the dry cleaners. If the child complains, subtract 1 point. If he or she offers to take you to the doctor again next time, add 1 point and thank your lucky stars.

Positive _____ Negative _____
The next time you see your adult child, give him or her twenty dollars. If she or he keeps it, subtract 1 point. If she or he says, "I don't need your money, Mom." Give yourself 1 point. If he or she offers to give YOU money, add 10 bonus points. Of course, this will never happen.

Positive _____ Negative _____

Call your adult child and say that you need help with mowing the grass, painting a room, cleaning carpets, or washing the car. If the child agrees to help, add 1 point. If the child makes an excuse, subtract 1 point.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Send the adult child a card on their birthday. If she or he calls to thank you, add 1 point. If the child actually remembers your birthday or even Mother's Day, add 1 more point.

Positive _____ Negative _____
Ask your adult child to go to church with you. If he or she goes, add 1 point. If he or she says he will go, but doesn't show up, subtract 1 point. but you should have known that this would happen.

Positive _____ Negative _____
If the adult child calls you for any reason except to borrow money or baby-sit, add 1 point. If the child visits any time except on a holiday, give yourself 1 more point.

Positive _____ Negative _____
If the adult child has a picture of you displayed in her or his home, add 1 point. Subtract 1 point for every picture of the child or grandchildren that you have displayed in your home.

Positive _____ Negative _____
If the adult child never borrows money from you, add 1 point. If the child borrows, but only for emergencies, subtract 1 point regardless since everything is an emergency to children.  If the adult child pays back the money they borrow, add 10 bonus points.  This is not likely, but we won't give up hope.

Positive _____ Negative _____
TOTAL    _____ TOTAL    _____
SCORING

If you ended up with more points that are positive, the child loves you, but it's time to cut the apron strings.

If you end up with the more points on the negative side, you are being neglected, and can continue nagging.

If you didn't bother to keep score, count your blessings and quit whining. Your kids are grown and your work is done.

How to create a blog post that keeps on topic when the topic is not the topic anymore…

I started this blog when my younger of two daughters was 16 and had been trouble with a capital T since 6th grade. Over the past couple of years—after 4 wrecked cars, countless court dates, no less than three bags of pot discovered…and so much more—I can say with great certainty that I don’t think my daughter is a fuck-up after all.
Daughter’s been working at a very good job for over a year and is loved and respected there. She’s been promoted and makes more money at 18 than I did in my first few years of teaching. My student loan debt far exceeded my income for many years.
In addition, she has her own apartment and has been able to keep friends and has had a boyfriend for quite some time (they live together). Normally, she’s at odds within two weeks of starting a relationship. The boy can’t handle her and she has found a thousand things wrong with him. While this kid is far from perfect (like, really really far), it is a testimony to her maturity to be able to talk and work through problems with him. I give her a LOT of credit.
By far the best thing is the fact that I can have a nice from-a-distance relationship. Now that we don’t live together, we can pick and choose when we want to hang out, and I can pick and choose what to get involved in. As time goes by, she needs me less and less. She even thanked me the other day for letting her figure things out on her own and not meddling. Sure, I still annoy the bejeezus out of her with my questions, but if I don’t want to deal with something—it’s a good opportunity to butt out and go on with my life.
Speaking of which, I finally have a life. I can now spend time with friends, go to my boyfriend’s house after work and stay late, go out of town at a moment’s notice, and just be. When you’re children live with you, you have to be a decent role model and pretty much at their beck and call. I have no one to answer to and I LOVE it. And my tampons don’t run out…