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3/9/16

My Exhausting Daughter

I don't really meddle, but I don't quit either. My daughter has been evasive with me and, I admit, I freak out a little. I assume she's either high or in jail, given her history, even though I should probably give her the benefit of the doubt. She hasn't been involved in either of those very bad things for the last two years. (I heart probation.)

Anyway, I texted her a response at 5 a.m. to an "announcement" she made (via text) that she was applying for a job in walking distance to her apartment. Now, mind you, she just told me she loves her job. Her car is in bad shape, but she also told me her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) fixed it and she was going to get it from his house over the weekend.

So according to the information she gave me, she had a car and a job.

After she text-yelled at me for texting in the morning, she ignored me until the afternoon, when she admitted that she was fired from her job and her boyfriend (ex?) was not finished with the car. I could only ask why she didn't reach out to me and all she said was that she didn't want to tell me anything negative. I get it.


3/8/16

Overwhelming Grief

Here's a big deal, a really big deal. My mother died last March after suffering mercilessly from lung cancer. It was eight months of sickness and pain, as she tried and tried to beat it, be strong, and not think like a patient. But cancer is an asshole, and doesn't care that it blindsides victims that don't deserve the torture. She was the love of our lives, the light in our eyes, and we can't have her anymore. My sadness is so heavy, but my role in my family is to always be strong and get things done. The burden is great, but I have to be a role model, like my mother was for me, for all of us. In a way, I feel that I have to follow in her footsteps, but I'm no match. If I hadn't been going to grief counseling for the last year, I think I'd be in pieces.

My mother, Nana, helped me raise my daughters. Without her, I would've failed miserably, and felt so alone and worthless as a mother. She loved me unconditionally, didn't make me feel ashamed that I didn't raise my kids in a traditional nuclear family, and treated my children as if she gave birth to them herself. She loved them possibly more than she loved me, which is ok in my book! My mother was seemingly put on this earth to be a grandmother; she embraced the role with such excitement and pizzazz, teaching them about loving yourself, finding joy even in the face of obstacles, and being in the moment. Nana was part of everything in their lives--having moved here from across the country when my older daughter was a baby--birthday parties, recitals, tea parties, school events, first steps, first periods, everything.


Borderline Personality Disorder or Just a Young Woman in Her Own Head?

So yesterday, I wrote an update on my daughter to remind myself of how far she's come. And it's true, she has, and I'm very proud of her in general. But today, I'm really frustrated with her for being so evasive--for days. She communicates a little--in snippets--and leaves me hanging. I don't get it. She just had an MRI (if she showed up to her appointment) and promised to keep me informed. I got next to nothing even though I'm paying for everything and will be her caretaker should she need knee surgery.

I guess I'm confused, because last week, in a moment of sentimentalism or pensiveness or perhaps guilt, she wrote this: "I love you so much. When my record is fixed I'm going to get a job with [my boyfriend]. It's good pay and I can start saving and doing nice things for you. Also, how are you? I'd like to talk to you because I don't take the time to see how you are or what's new. I just complain and whine. I want to make sure you're doing alright. I also think I need to figure out how to open my mind."

I responded: "I love you and am very proud of you. I'm doing fine and would love to talk/listen with you more. If I can help you with figuring stuff out, I'm here."


3/7/16

A lot can happen in a a couple of years, and some of it can actually be GOOD!

Where to begin, where to begin . . . I intended to keep up this blog to chronicle my daughter's transformation to a normal person, but life became so mind blowing at times, that I couldn't even think about it.

Not everything is bad. In fact, most of it is very good. My daughter is 22 now, and generally a very good person. She makes many bad choices still, but she also makes good ones. Let's see if I can outline the updates.

Legally: She was arrested and jailed for being involved in a business of ill repute and, after about a year of court appearances, was deemed a felon and put on probation without having to serve any jail time. It cost thousands of dollars and a lot of difficult probation meetings, and even an ankle monitor, but she's about a month away from being off probation, with her charge being reduced to a misdemeanor. It was a long road, but she's at the end of it now.

Drugs: Being on probation has been a godsend. If she tests positive for anything, she will go to jail. Period. Immediately. The PO makes random visits, so my daughter must be on her toes. I have smelled marijuana on her person and possibly in her purse, but can't prove anything. She's certainly not going to freely admit anything to me, being an experience liar for years and years. But her behavior hasn't sent up any red flags, so maybe she just has a weird smell?!