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5/10/16

The Bill of Rights for Parents of Adult Children (from Forbes.com)

I found this at Forbes.com, and I love the concepts. I’m trying to reconcile how I feel about my daughter’s antics. She’s more than a moocher; she’s a user and a liar. However, I still love her and will miss her, but I have to withdraw or I will burst into flames from frustration and anger.


By Linda M. Herman
Link to article 
From the original Bill of Rights to the ethical precepts put forth by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), Americans have historically, if imperfectly, embraced the notion that living creatures are entitled to certain rights.
Given this esteemed American tradition, it is surprising that so few have expressed interest in the rights of parents of adult children.
Here, I submit 10 rights that I believe may contribute to the overall health and well-being of parents.
1. The Right to Be Free from Abuse. Some parents find themselves the victims of abuse by their children, physical as well as verbal or psychological. In all cases, the abuser’s goal is to gain or perpetuate control over another.

Abuse is never acceptable. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, set limits with your child. End abusive phone conversations, refuse to give time, money, or advice until you are treated appropriately and don’t meet with the child alone.


Taking a Break from Being Her Mother

I’m taking a break from my daughter for a while. I don’t know how long that while will be, but I just about can’t handle her anymore. I can’t really tell anyone because they just won’t understand and will probably judge me as a failure as a mother, so I’m limited to this blog. I’m feeling grateful that I had the forethought to do this when my disappointments and despair first began.

As I may have mentioned, she’s planning to move to another city and took a week-long trip there with her best friend, a sweet gay young man who puts up with her crap and still loves her. He deserves an award for taking a road trip with her and not killing her and hiding the body along the interstate. They took the 20 or so hour (each way) drive together, and planned out their route and accommodations. I figured that meant she had the money somehow or he did, but I still put some emergency money in an account I let her use—clearly my enabler funds—without mentioning it.

I didn’t tell her about it until she actually asked if I could loan her a little money (after she had already left; what a surprise), but I said it was only for “just in case” situations. She turned on the charm and thanked me and assured me that’s what she’d use it for, and proceeded to tell me how excited she was to be on her way. I’ve been very supportive of this trip and her starting over and asked to be kept in the loop. She did an OK job of it, but I’m smart enough to know that she probably did some stupid things while there.


5/5/16

The start to the start of a new start?

My darling daughter is now in Portland, Oregon, scoping out the place because she wants to move there. I took both my daughters there for my birthday, thinking they’d get a kick out of it. Turns out, she LOVED it and has been setting her sights on it ever since. I’m pleased that she’s made this her goal, and even more pleased that she had the forethought to do some recognizance. It whipped into gear her organizational skills. She and her friend planned the route, the stops, the accommodations at AirBNBs, and even a tour from a friend from Phoenix (not too keen on that as she’s supposed to be starting fresh, but oh well).

I’ve heard bits and pieces about her trip, and all her texts are positive: “I feel like I’ve lived here my whole life.” “It has everything I need here (except my mommy).” “It’s so pretty here.” “I want to live in so many areas, that I think I’ll get a van and just park it in a different neighborhood each week.”
I’m excited for her to make this giant change—she could use it and I support that. She hates living in this city, and bad memories drudge up everywhere she goes. She’s been pretty strong and has come around and been good—her probation is over, her debt to society has been paid, and she was offered a good job that will start in a few weeks. I desperately want her to finish school and take care of her health issues, but she procrastinates. I give up; It’s her life.