Random List: New Discoveries

Some recent facts and findings:

• I found a homemade bong made from a plastic water bottle. The thing was configured with a hole punched in the side and tin foil around the lip, and the smell was obvious. It was right on my daughter's floor--I was just looking for the lint brush.
• My daughter allowed me a peek into how bad she used to be. She said whenever she was with a particular friend, they were high on ecstasy or Xanax or both. According to my daughter, this friend was also a "slutbag." I remember speaking with her mother half a dozen times about the girls. According to mom, her daughter was a confirmed good girl who was a clean and sober virgin.
• The other friend that my daughter spent most of her time with introduced her to raves. She was a bit more mellow and preferred pot and Xanax; in fact, when this friend crashed my older daughter's car, she was messed up on Xanax.
• My daughter admitted that she stole a lot of money from her nana--something she feels so terrible about. At the time, she figured that her nana had a lot of money and wouldn't miss it.
• All the expensive items that my daughter had stolen during her big rave days, were stolen or misplaced at the raves. This includes an expensive hair straightener, Ugg boots, a BlackBerry phone, an iPod, and money.
• She alluded to doing things she can't believe she did based on being high all the time. When I asked her what made her stop, she said she didn't like being out of control and spending so much money.
• Based on this information, she asserted that I should be glad that she "only" smokes weed now.
• She also told me I "let" her off too easily when I found out what she was doing. I don't see how that's true. I took everything away. I admitted to her that I wasn't prepared for something like that--I was in shock and quite horrified and beside myself. She said she understand that. I asked her if she remembers how volatile she was and how phony she was. She was (and is) quite the actress. She said maybe.
• I asked her if she was angry that I wasn't even tougher on her. She said it wouldn't have made a difference. She was going to do what she was going to do and would find a way--through lying, sneaking, manipulating. I can't argue with that.
• I asked her if she thought we needed to do family counseling together. Before I finished my question she said, "No! We do just fine on our own."

Relapse or Just Plain STUPID?

I'll cut right to the chase. I came home, smelled something funny in my house, and saw my daughter opening windows and lighting incense. I couldn't believe it--my daughter had been smoking pot in my house. At first, I thought I was imagining things, but when I saw the leaves in the toilet and a butt on the bathroom sink, it was too late.

I was beyond...words.

She tried to lie, but it was a futile. I caught her. She was busted.

I told her I was ashamed of her, that I didn't respect her, and that it was inconceivable to me that she would break the law right in my house. MY HOUSE. The house I have worked so hard to provide for her, the home I have made for her.

She begged me to accept her apology and tried to make a million excuses--that she had a bad day, that she throught this would help relax her, that...it didn't matter. They're just cop-outs to me. She's on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Now, she's going to add illegal drugs to the mix? Who doesn't have bad days--does that mean we should go out and break the law to make ourselves feel better?

I made dinner and we got through the evening. I wouldn't let her go out because no way was she going to drive under the influence. I also had her go to her car and throw away anything that might be suspect. Remember, she has a history of being stopped and having pot paraphernalia on her. In fact, we have a court appearance scheduled for later this month from one of those incidents.

I had very little to say to her the rest of the evening. This morning, she woke up too late, and again didn't make any effort to show she's a changed person. Left her room a mess, shit all over the floor.

I did get a text message from her:  "mom, im sorry. i hope you believe me. i am ashamed that i chose to sink to the level i used to be on. i cant tell u how much im beating myself up for it. I made you lose your respect for me and i worked so hard to gain that back. I really apologize for my actions. i understand how mad u r. its my fault for smoking. I had a moment of weakness. I regularly take my medication but its just i had a horrible day and i was crushed with emotions. Talking was not on my mind. I started going into my depressed thoughts and screwed up. I smoked a plant and im sorry. I didnt mix drugs cuz i'm not a retard but i do admit i made a mistake. Im not asking for forgiveness but i want u to understand i was extremely used to dealing with my problems that way. I'm not u i have addiction tendencys. To cigs and weed. Im trying my hardest to not depend on it. I did an amazing job for myself and i slipped up one time. i hate myself for it but i cant take it back. You can hate me, play the silent game, whatever, i understand. And i did want you to find it, do u think i wanted to get awas with doing something like that, no." [sic]

What the hell do I do now? I'm still feeling emotional--offended, angry, frustrated, disappointed, even guilty...you name it.

Signs Your Teenager is on Drugs & What to Do about It

I can honestly say, I've been there, done that. Been through the drug ordeal with my daughter. Her drug of choice? Ecstasy. Lovely, huh? I was the last to know, too, because I was too trusting and extremely naïve. I never thought I would be someone who’d be so clueless—I’m smart, a former middle school teacher, and aware of the world. I just wasn’t aware of what was going on under my nose.

It’s a hard pill to swallow to think your precious child is mixing with the wrong crowd and doing something not only illegal, but deadly. It was difficult for me to accept, but I had to put in perspective. I am not perfect, and this could happen to any family—even the most law-abiding, religious, and hard-working. This is all very personal to me, and I’d like to share what I learned firsthand.

PHYSICAL SIGNS

• Sick more often
• Tired and sluggish
• Smell different—especially from smoke coupled with cover-ups like gum, mints, and mouthwash
• Red eyes
• Slurred speech
• Dilated pupils
• Sudden weight loss
• Dark circles under eyes
• Shaky hands
• Paleness/discoloration of skin
• Sores/burns/runny or bloody nose not due to allergies

BEHAVIORAL SIGNS

• Secretiveness, especially about their friend, activities, and whereabouts
• Lying
• Decreased motivation
• Sleeping too much
• Missing school
• Declining grades
• More argumentative/bad attitude
• Avoiding conversations with parents
• Make excuses (for oversleeping, being late, etc.)
• Stealing (from parents, grandparents, etc.) money, cigarettes, valuables
• Constantly needing money
• Missing work
• Losing temper/more impatient than usual
• Car accidents/reckless driving/speeding tickets

WHAT KIDS DO TO COVER UP

• Chew gum/brush teeth more frequently
• Spray perfume (my daughter’s big cover up)
• Spray air freshener in their cars and rooms
• Use eye drops even if they don’t have allergies or contacts
• Cover up with hats, big jackets, loose pants
• Make up stories
• Blame others
• Lie, lie, lie

WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU HAVE SUSPICIONS

• Snoop. Yep, that’s right. This is your kid—don’t feel guilty that you’re trying to protect them. Check their room, the pockets of their clothes, their car, and any nook and cranny that can be a hiding place. Look through their backpacks and purses, too.
• Don’t keep alcohol in the house and lock up your medicines. Why make it easy for them and why tempt fate? It’s like being their personal drug dealer. Be a good role model and get it out of their sight.
• Know their friends. Even if you don’t like them, find out their names, nicknames, and numbers. We all know forbidding your teenager from hanging out with someone will only draw them closer, but having too much information on someone makes them less “contraband.” Trust me, when you ultimately have to look for your child, it’s good to know who to call.
• Set up an alarm system. Not only does this help you know where your child is at night, but it prevents their riff-raff friends from coming in.
• Drug test them. This is tricky, as your teenager will put up a huge fight. You can get a kit at Walgreen’s for $20 that’s simple to use and easy to send out for testing. Be prepared for nastiness—which in itself proves they have something to hide. That’s my experience, anyway.
• Don’t give them money. If you think your kid is using drugs, do you want to fund their habit? That’s what you’re doing if you hand them $20 before a night out. You’re basically contributing to the delinquency of your minor.
• Don’t give up on your kid. You love them and, if you work hard, they will come full circle. Mine did. They need your love and support, and they need you to not have your head in the sand and be weak and ignorant.

 

8/28/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part IV

The Big Confrontation
I just came out with it. I outlined everything I found and what I know about what it all meant. I told her I knew that she had told me dozens of lies over the past year, that it was not acceptable, that I would press charges if I caught her involved in any further illegal activities. I explained that stealing checks and prescription pads was illegal and I wouldn’t hesitate to turn her in if I found out she has actually attempted to use any of them. I told her I knew about the sneaking out – every last bit of it. I made it clear that I’m very black and white about breaking the law.

I asked direct questions and she answered them truthfully. She admitted to using Ecstasy, smoking cigarettes and pot, drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages, and to sleeping with about five boys already. She knew all about the risks and side effects, and told me things that I hadn’t yet learned about her experimentation. I was relieved at her truthfulness, as well as her willingness to make changes.

It has been 22 days since that night, and she has been clean and compliant. We’ve had many very deep conversations and she has made the decision to change. I make it nearly impossible to be bad, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t opportunities. While she’s doing things to elevate my trust in her, she doesn’t quite have it yet. The Total Transformation and my new therapist tell me I have to give her opportunities to prove herself, even when there’s temptation. For example, I work all day and she’s at home alone. Anything and everything can happen. So far, so good. That’s all I can say. I come home at lunch and she’d doing what she’s supposed to. Her attitude is sometimes the old one, but I’m more concerned with her behaviors. When she gets obnoxious, I walk away from the flame.

I try to keep her busy. She does a few days a week of community service, will be taking cooking classes for a few days, and will visit with my sister and help my brother-in-law with some construction projects. One thing that keeps her motivated is getting her driver’s license. She has her permit and loves to drive. She knows I will NOT allow anyone who is drunk, stoned, or otherwise impaired to drive any car I own. If she has one single incident between now and December, when she’s eligible for the license, she’s done.

Another thing I’ve learned is that there will be good days and bad days, good moods and bad moods. That’s life, especially as a parent!

8/5/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

The only way I can explain how I felt at the moment is the scene that flashed in my mind, like a movie camera that was focused on me suddenly pans way out and I’m tiny and alone, a mere dot in the universe. Who is prepared for this? How do you reconcile that you’ve been an involved, attentive mother for 15 years, and this is going on right under your nose and you have been the last one to know? You, who was an 8th grade teacher and trained to look for the signs? Who do you tell? Will they still be your friend, still respect you? Will your family still love your daughter when they find out what she’s done? Will they allow her in their house?

8/1/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

Over time, her attitude became really surly with me and she slept sometimes for 15 straight hours, only waking up when I made her. She had no energy and lost weight. I chalked it up to growing and just being a teenager. I had no suspicions and no one told me anything.

It took her leaving on a community service caravan to get to the bottom of things. I searched her room and found a cache of disturbing items:

• Condoms
• Cigarettes
• Glow Sticks
• Pacifiers
• Blank checks from her grandparents and me
• Blank prescription pad from my stepfather, a retired physician
• Multiple pages visited on a dating website
• Subscription to a rave-type social networking site, with her rave name as her userid

Everywhere I looked, there was more stuff stashed away, but the stolen checks and prescription pad was practically in plain sight. I took that to mean that she wanted me to find them. I was pretty upset, more like frantic. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it wasn’t good. I could only ask one person – her sister. I pushed and pushed because it was clear she knew something. She cried out of guilt, both for not telling me and for ratting out her sister. I explained that it was my problem, not hers, and to unburden herself. It literally took 45 minutes for her to tell me that her sister had been sneaking out, going to raves, and using Ecstasy. It was the reason she was desperate to find jobs to make money, and why so much of her stuff was missing (explained away as stolen at the pool). Everything bad had to do with the raves.

7/28/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part II

New Life, New Problems, Many Revelations

It had been several years since the three of us had lived together without my boyfriend and his children. My older daughter and I had a lot of adjusting to do. The “troubled” daughter was happy as a clam. She was out of there, away from the one man she despised most in this world. It turns out she truly hated him and never had any intention of trying to get along. In a way, she sabotaged the situation, pushing his buttons and making him react poorly. He, in turn, acted as much like a child as she did half the time. They were incompatible, but neither would make the first move toward a workable relationship for the good of the order. I thought our new life would be the perfect answer. Again, what I thought and what it was were two different things.

The younger daughter and I got along on the surface, but little did I know she had entered into a period of major experimentation. I found clues along the way because I often cleaned and combed her room, but didn’t pick up on them collectively as a major problem. When I found cigarettes, she gave me a wild story about a friend who was a smoker and wanted to hide them from her abusive father. I told her I thought she was lying, but took her word for it when she said he wouldn’t have cigarettes in her room anymore. I found a half dozen lighters and bought it when she said she used them to soften her eyeliner pencil. I saw that she changed the spelling of her name and believed her when she said she just wanted to stand out. When I noticed that the two bottles of beer that kept for tenderizing pot roast were gone, I didn’t think much of it when she told me that she threw them away because she thought they went bad. The kicker was when she left her email box open at my mom’s who found a message that included a picture of a naked boy. She explained that it came in her spam email, she had no idea who sent it, and she clicked on delete – end of story. I let that one go, too.

Stupid? I’m a total moron and I sometimes can’t believe how much of one I was. I simply didn’t see what I didn’t want to see. Bad stuff wasn’t supposed to happen in my family. I’m as straight-laced as they come and she didn’t see me doing anything unseemly.