8/28/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part IV

The Big Confrontation
I just came out with it. I outlined everything I found and what I know about what it all meant. I told her I knew that she had told me dozens of lies over the past year, that it was not acceptable, that I would press charges if I caught her involved in any further illegal activities. I explained that stealing checks and prescription pads was illegal and I wouldn’t hesitate to turn her in if I found out she has actually attempted to use any of them. I told her I knew about the sneaking out – every last bit of it. I made it clear that I’m very black and white about breaking the law.

I asked direct questions and she answered them truthfully. She admitted to using Ecstasy, smoking cigarettes and pot, drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages, and to sleeping with about five boys already. She knew all about the risks and side effects, and told me things that I hadn’t yet learned about her experimentation. I was relieved at her truthfulness, as well as her willingness to make changes.

It has been 22 days since that night, and she has been clean and compliant. We’ve had many very deep conversations and she has made the decision to change. I make it nearly impossible to be bad, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t opportunities. While she’s doing things to elevate my trust in her, she doesn’t quite have it yet. The Total Transformation and my new therapist tell me I have to give her opportunities to prove herself, even when there’s temptation. For example, I work all day and she’s at home alone. Anything and everything can happen. So far, so good. That’s all I can say. I come home at lunch and she’d doing what she’s supposed to. Her attitude is sometimes the old one, but I’m more concerned with her behaviors. When she gets obnoxious, I walk away from the flame.

I try to keep her busy. She does a few days a week of community service, will be taking cooking classes for a few days, and will visit with my sister and help my brother-in-law with some construction projects. One thing that keeps her motivated is getting her driver’s license. She has her permit and loves to drive. She knows I will NOT allow anyone who is drunk, stoned, or otherwise impaired to drive any car I own. If she has one single incident between now and December, when she’s eligible for the license, she’s done.

Another thing I’ve learned is that there will be good days and bad days, good moods and bad moods. That’s life, especially as a parent!

8/5/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

The only way I can explain how I felt at the moment is the scene that flashed in my mind, like a movie camera that was focused on me suddenly pans way out and I’m tiny and alone, a mere dot in the universe. Who is prepared for this? How do you reconcile that you’ve been an involved, attentive mother for 15 years, and this is going on right under your nose and you have been the last one to know? You, who was an 8th grade teacher and trained to look for the signs? Who do you tell? Will they still be your friend, still respect you? Will your family still love your daughter when they find out what she’s done? Will they allow her in their house?

8/1/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

Over time, her attitude became really surly with me and she slept sometimes for 15 straight hours, only waking up when I made her. She had no energy and lost weight. I chalked it up to growing and just being a teenager. I had no suspicions and no one told me anything.

It took her leaving on a community service caravan to get to the bottom of things. I searched her room and found a cache of disturbing items:

• Condoms
• Cigarettes
• Glow Sticks
• Pacifiers
• Blank checks from her grandparents and me
• Blank prescription pad from my stepfather, a retired physician
• Multiple pages visited on a dating website
• Subscription to a rave-type social networking site, with her rave name as her userid

Everywhere I looked, there was more stuff stashed away, but the stolen checks and prescription pad was practically in plain sight. I took that to mean that she wanted me to find them. I was pretty upset, more like frantic. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it wasn’t good. I could only ask one person – her sister. I pushed and pushed because it was clear she knew something. She cried out of guilt, both for not telling me and for ratting out her sister. I explained that it was my problem, not hers, and to unburden herself. It literally took 45 minutes for her to tell me that her sister had been sneaking out, going to raves, and using Ecstasy. It was the reason she was desperate to find jobs to make money, and why so much of her stuff was missing (explained away as stolen at the pool). Everything bad had to do with the raves.