Detachment: The Key to Survival

I found this somewhere on the Internet on a message board, and it comes directly from Nar-Anon literature. It woke me up in a flash to not only what I've been enduring, but what I have to do to move on with my life. I've really been kidding myself about how "great" my daughter is doing. I realize she's not doing great and she wants no help from me. Sure, she manipulates me into doing things FOR her, but where has that gotten me?

For one thing, I'm getting phyically sick--have tumors in my liver and polyps in my colon, chronic migraines, high cholesterol, gray hair, and I grind my teeth (all exacerbated by stress). I'm old before my time and I can't let this sickness spread anymore. I have to have a life too, or else I'm no good for anyone. I saw myself in this article and it has occurred to me that it's time to join other parents who are going through this and get some support. Please read this if you're going through the same suffocating situation...

DETACHMENT: THE KEY TO SURVIVAL

Overcoming the continual flow of one crisis after another caused by addiction requires
detachment. Here is how it has already helped many in Nar-Anon.


We all want to be helpful, kind and caring people. For many of us, that has been the
hallmark of our character. We helped others, especially the addict in our life, even
when we had to sacrifice to do it. When our addicted loved one had a problem, we
were the first to come to the rescue. If they were fired from their job, arrested or simply
sick from the drugs, we defended them, had them released and nursed them day and
night.


Even when they were hurtful to us, we overlooked the physical and mental pain we
suffered while we tried to help. Without realizing it we became addicted to helping
them regardless of the consequences for them, for us or our family. Our lives where
centered on making things right, fixing all the problems and carrying all the
responsibilities. Our lives and happiness became focused on what we did for the
addict.


In fact many of us felt we had no life separate from our addicted spouse, child, or
friend. Others could see this, but we couldn't, we denied any suggestion along those
lines.


Nar-Anon helped us see this destructive and compulsive behavior for what it is--part of
the family disease of addiction. Nar-Anon also helped us understand and begin to use
an important tool to overcome this contributing part of the disease: DETACHMENT.


Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It is simply a way of beginning our own
recovery program, and allows us to recover from the devastating effects that living with
the disease of addiction has had on our lives.


Detachment is facing reality so we can look at our own situation in a more objective
and realistic way. By employing detachment, we begin to create a positive chain of
reactions which allow us to make intelligent and constructive decisions.


When we disengage our emotions from the problems and addict we love and care
about, that's detachment. This doesn't mean we walk away but rather we learn to see
the cause and effects objectively and unemotionally.


Detaching doesn't mean we stop loving or caring. We can still love and care about the
addict, we just have to do it in ways that leave them free to solve their addiction and
problems their using created.


First we learn that we are not responsible for the illness or actions of the addict. This is
a critical point. As long as we somehow felt we were responsible for their using or the
consequences of their using, we were trapped in the insanity of the disease. Drug
addiction is a disease, which the addict did not set out to get, and neither they nor us
have control over who gets the disease and who does not.


We become aware that we are obsessed with another's behavior and as we learn to let
go we find that we can live our lives in a more manageable, happier and constructive
way. This doesn't mean we have to live without them it means we become aware of
and exercise our own individuality.


We learn in Nar-Anon:

~~ Not to allow ourselves to be manipulated or controlled by another person. Don't
automatically react to things they do or say. Take time to take stock of all the facts and
then mediate ----- your Higher Power will help.

~~ Not to accept others responsibilities each person needs to carry their share of
burdens and responsibilities. As long as we take on the work load of the one we love,
they feel free to go do something else without facing the consequences.

~~ Not to stand in the way to prevent a crisis; when they are sick from using, we don't
say it's a cold. When they spend the car payment money on drugs we don't borrow
money from our friends or relatives. As long as we continued to prevent a crisis,
nothing changed or improved, we simply had a harder time finding solutions

~~ Not to provoke a crisis; the next crisis is going to come in its natural time. Creating a
new one only adds to the problems you face.

~~ Not to make excuses, cover up or take the blame for others; if they have done
something wrong, we learn to let them suffer the consequences. Yes, there may be
consequences for us and other family members too, but we learn the emotional cost for
their action is not ours to pay.

~~ We care enough not to care; while this sounds harsh, we cannot continue to worry
ourselves sick over what they are doing or what is going to happen next. We have our
lives to live too and only if we can care enough not to care can we begin to have life of
our own.

~~ Not to be personally offended by the addict. We can look past the drugs and see
another human being who has the disease called addiction which is caused by drugs.
We learn to be compassionate towards them without taking on shame because they
have an incurable disease.

~~ Detachment brings us closer to our Higher Power because without help from God
things are not really going to get better.

~~ What are the rewards of detachment? At first there may be pain, uncertainty and
more worry. But in time the weight of carrying everybody's burdens will lighten. When
we restrict our burdens to our share, life becomes easier to face.

~~ We begin to have some clarity on our thinking and reaction to problems. Clarity
leads to peace of mind and the more we exercise detachment in our loving
relationships the more peace we find in ourselves.

~~ Detachment begins to free us from the bondage we've been in for years. At last we
can live without feelings of guilt or shame. In time, the feeling of insecurity or lack of
self worth will fade and will be replaced with confidence.

~~ Detachment brings freedom and can eventually lead to a sense of serenity.
Achieving detachment is a slow process and one filled with triumph and pain. But this
is where you get closer to your Higher Power.

~~ Detachment does not come easily or quickly. Most Nar-Anon members report better
progress when they regularly attend meetings and work with a sponsor. By sharing our
progress and setbacks with other members we gain new strength for the challenges
ahead.

~~ Without the experience, strength and hope we learn from others, Detachment will
likely remain a theory mentioned in a pamphlet. Building detachment as an element of
your character takes effort and support. You can find that support in Nar-Anon.