I Must Learn to DETACH! (Long ranting post)

Sadly, life with my troubled teen has been dismal and miserable for the past few weeks. I’m a bundle of nerves, stressed to the point of physical illness, and spend my days grinding my teeth and feeling like I’m suffocating. I can’t say or do anything right; even my most innocuous comments like, “Have a good day,” are met with disdain and disgust.

It’s like she turned on me all of a sudden. I’ve been trying to reflect on my wild and disconnected thoughts about this experience. Since they don’t connect in any stream of consciousness or weblike way, the only thing I can do is make a list of what has changed and what I’ve seen, dealt with, felt, found…

Found

Several gram bags in her trash, on her floor, even out in the open. They’re the mini Ziploc-style baggies with the cute designs on them, like happy faces or dollar signs. I worried at first that they mean a hit of heroin, as someone told me, but after more research, I was “relieved” to find out that these are used for $20 worth of pot. Relieved, haha!

Lost

Our relationship. It is dying a slow, agonizing death. She has poisoned it with her downward spiral and I feel totally powerless to resuscitate it. She won’t have a conversation with me that has any depth or meaning, and most of our talking is through text messages. The most I get is, “Do you have any color safe leave-in conditioner?” And she has one stock answer for any question or comment I might have: “ok.” In lower case letters. She will also pull the “well, you threw me out” card wherever she can needle it in. Of course I’m not nervous around her or afraid of her, but it sure feels awkward around my child now. She has a giant chip on her shoulder that’s destroying what I thought we had. We had really built a decent relationship where we enjoyed each other’s company. I don’t know why she decided to cause so much damage.

Changes

Besides her shitty attitude...dear daughter changed her hair from bleached out hooker hair to bright pinkish, neonish, reddish. It is much like clown hair with bangs—and I think she looks ridiculous. The crazy change indicates to me a “fuck all of you” attitude, which has certainly been reflected in her comments to me and about just about anyone around her. People at work are no longer respecting her; what a surprise, right? She’s fretting that everyone is rude to her now and looking at her funny. What the hell does she expect? She’s not a kid in high school—she has a real job, and there are certain expectations. I tried to tell her that in a diplomatic way, and am met with, “I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.” OK, that’s the spirit. Her hair is really just a symptom of her overall bad attitude and negative presentation to the world.

New Boyfriend

He’s not too bad, considering. He’s one of those kids I knew aplenty back when I was a teacher. Highly intelligent, well-mannered, lots of potential, even witty…but lazy, unmotivated, a bit slovenly, and an underachiever. He’s a big guy, and he is clearly smitten with my daughter and if he hasn’t gotten into her pants already, he’ll be there soon. They’ve even changed their Facebook statuses to “in a relationship.” She likes him too, though she’s been complaining about him a bit, which to me marks the beginning of the end. She loves the initial part of a new relationship, but quickly tires of them and finds all their flaws—usually things she found endearing at first.

They’ve spent a lot of time together—he’s one of the few who makes that possible, despite not having a car, a cell phone, his own apartment…but he like her enough I guess to find a ride, a phone to use, and a place to go. And he does have a full time job—at a fast food restaurant.

The other day, when she was sick, I tried to be helpful to her and get to know him a little by picking him up and bringing him over to the house. He helped me hang curtains, I fed him, and we all joked around a bit. At the end of the evening, around 9:30 pm,  I asked him one too many questions about his ride home (they rejected a ride from me—probably because they intended to make a “pickup” stop) and my daughter launched into a rage that came out of nowhere. It went on with such anger and bite that she appeared hysterical to me and I had to tell her to calm down.

That made her frothier—to the point where I felt like I was going to have temper tantrum. I SOOO wanted to hit her, but I don’t do that. Her boyfriend even said to me when she walked out of the room, “If I did that, my dad would beat the shit out of me.” That actually caused me to tear up. I felt so helpless and impotent—there was literally nothing I could do. I can’t/wouldn’t beat her; she doesn’t process a raised voice or a voice of reason; and she doesn’t care if she hurts, insults, or disrespects me. Instead of yelling at her with an audience in the room, I left the house for a few hours to settle down. I went to my boyfriend’s house, who I’ve found to be understanding, sympathetic (he’s been through all this with his son), and my rock.

During the time I was gone, I texted her to let her know that I’d be gone for the evening and that she should arrange for her own ride to work in the morning. She responded with, “Be safe. Love you.” A few more pleasant texts like that and I was baffled. She didn’t apologize or acknowledge her abuse, she just acted like nothing had happened. I came home around 2 am, and much to my exasperation, the boyfriend had never left and was asleep in the guest room. All that drama for fucking nothing.

The next day, I discussed the situation with my mother and I got, “Don’t let her get away with that. She won.” WTF? What am I supposed to do?? Lower myself to fighting and arguing with a drug addict? I don’t win no matter what I do. Today I’m looking into Nar Anon and finding a meeting. This is nuts. I must learn to DETACH.