MAUI, HI-- Parents often have to deal with separation anxiety. Their children have left for college, or finally moved out on their own, leaving mom and dad with a suddenly quiet house. Shelley and Phil Pleasance are one couple that are struggling to cope with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS).
On their recent trip to Maui, the Pleasances tried to deal with the emptiness.
Shelley busied herself by consuming several Mai Tai's and shopping for tiki souvenirs in the public market. At the pig roast one evening, she could barely contain her emotion, while she filled her face with poi.
Phil, like most men of his generation, tried to bury his feelings deep in his gut by lounging around the pool, reading a Stephen King novel and working on his tan, all the while appearing aloof from his inner turmoil.
It must have been quite obvious to their new friends, Frieda and Elmer Parkinson from Buffalo, that they were trying to deal with loss at home.
"I could tell by the way Phil was enjoying himself that something had changed domestically," said Elmer, a retired photocopier technician. "He was laughing and joking and carrying on like a burden was lifted after long years. But I could see through that."
Shelley admitted that there was an adjustment period when their son Duncan left for Stanford University in late August.
"It was so strange when [Duncan] left for college," said Shelley, who has joined an aquarobics class in their home town of Beaconsville, Indiana. "I woke up the next day, and walked naked through the house. I took a long bath, watched a few hours of television, and then went out for lunch with some friends. And that night, Phil was friskier than he'd been in a long time. It was a real adjustment."
"This sort of devastation is often masked," said Dr. Albert Phinney. "Parents, such as the Pleasances, try to handle separation grief by participating in activities that they enjoy or didn't have time for when they were raising childen. Their happiness and false sense of relief at the lessening of responsibility is often confused with the personal emotional sadness that they are experiencing."
Phil's evident pain was exhibited when he recently sold the family mini-van and bought a Camaro in a rash decision obviously clouded by withdrawal pangs associated with ENS.
"It was a rough time," said Phil. "I'm sure I was so overwhelmed with emotion over my missing son, that I made some impulsive choices. Perhaps Shelly and I should have waited a week or two before throwing that party."
"I could see that Phil was behaving oddly, and I'm sure it was due to ENS," added Shelley. "He was obviously having difficulty walking by Duncan's bedroom because he immediately turned it into a computer room."
The Pleasances hope that their planned three-week Caribbean cruise in December will help as well. But they have so much sorrow to overcome.
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