Not everything is bad. In fact, most of it is very good. My daughter is 22 now, and generally a very good person. She makes many bad choices still, but she also makes good ones. Let's see if I can outline the updates.
Legally: She was arrested and jailed for being involved in a business of ill repute and, after about a year of court appearances, was deemed a felon and put on probation without having to serve any jail time. It cost thousands of dollars and a lot of difficult probation meetings, and even an ankle monitor, but she's about a month away from being off probation, with her charge being reduced to a misdemeanor. It was a long road, but she's at the end of it now.
Drugs: Being on probation has been a godsend. If she tests positive for anything, she will go to jail. Period. Immediately. The PO makes random visits, so my daughter must be on her toes. I have smelled marijuana on her person and possibly in her purse, but can't prove anything. She's certainly not going to freely admit anything to me, being an experience liar for years and years. But her behavior hasn't sent up any red flags, so maybe she just has a weird smell?!
School: She has been attending cosmetology school on and off for more than a year. She's actually pretty far along, but keeps stalling for some reason. It's strange, because she's actually very talented. She cuts my hair and I get a lot of compliments on her work. She made some friends there, but whenever she goes on hold, they move on and she doesn't. I don't know why she sabotages herself like this, but I'm sure there's a psychological reason.
Work: She's been able to get a few jobs in the last couple of years. First at a call center, then a gym, then at a retail store, and now a pet center. She's a huge animal lover, having several cats, a dog, and some rodents, so this job is perfect. It's very physical and demanding, but she says she loves it with capital letters.
Car: I bought her a crappy, but sturdy, car a year ago so she could get around. She abuses the hell out of it, so it always has a problem, but in light of how many cars she's crashed, that's all she gets. When she's working in her field someday, she can upgrade. Her current off again/on again boyfriend has a mechanic education, so he's a giant help.
Speaking of boyfriends: She's had a few, but the off again/on again one is a great guy. At first, I didn't even want to meet him because I made prejudgments. He dresses a little punkish and I figured he was a passing fancy for her, given her history. But it's more than a year, and I've gotten to know him. He's hard working, intelligent, interesting, and loves my daughter. He's clean and sober, and other than a few tattoos, he's pretty normal. I like him slightly more than I like her, and appreciate him. He has been there for her when times have gotten tough. Unfortunately, she's quite a bitch to him and he's very emotional, so they fight and break up often. If I ask too many questions, she shuts me out, so I zip it.
Living: She tried living at home for a bit, but it was early on before she cleaned up her act and I kicked her out. She lived in the ghetto for a while with some trashy people, but I didn't want her lifestyle in my house. It was hard to tell her to go, but it had to be done. It worked out, though, and she has been living in a decent apartment near her school for more than a year. I pay her half of the rent, while she's had a myriad of roommates paying the other half (she can't get along with any of them). I agreed to this because I can't live with her either. Soooooo I'm basically paying for her NOT to live with me! Plus she has animals and my husband and I don't want to deal with that chaos.
Family: Speaking of my husband, I got married last year, and our four kids between us were our attendants. My daughter looked and behaved magnificently and I was very proud. I gave her a hard time (screamed and cried like a bridezilla) about her hair (she has a weird haircut), but she had extensions put in to make me happy. Her boyfriend wore a suit and was a great guest too. She has known my husband most of her life, so this wasn't a shock. They get along, but aren't close. We've had a lot of ups and downs, so there's some awkwardness, but there's nothing really that bad that time won't smooth out.
Moving: She constantly talks about moving to another state, particularly with her best friend and sometimes with her boyfriend, depending on how she feels about him. I'm all for it as long as she has a plan and isn't just hitting the road. Her sister is a traveler and an adventurous person and I think this daughter wants to be like her, but big sister always has a plan.
Our relationship: I basically provide her a place to live and medical care, but she is on her own in other ways. She has to figure stuff out on her own, and if she falls on her face, it's her own problem. I will be there if she needs me, but I don't meddle and I don't advise unless asked. When we see each other it's pleasant unless her sister is with us (then it's tense). She used to ask to spend every Sunday with me, but now she works on Sunday and it's not so easy. I used to visit her at her school once every week or two for hair services, but can't now since she's on hold for the time being. She has assured me she'll be back in school in a month, and that she's motivated to finish. We have a pleasant relationship, and I often say that I probably know about 80% of what's going on in her life. It used to be almost zilch, so this is a step in the right direction. I want a normal relationship with her, but alas I know I'll never have that.
Health: She's been sick a bunch--colds, coughs, and once dehydration. She ended up in the ER getting IV fluids a few weeks ago, as a matter of fact. She recovered, but it may have had to do with an abortion she had about a week prior--her third, maybe fourth. I'm pro-choice, but that's ridiculous. However, I'm glad she's aborting and not having. She has no tools or interest in being a parent and would be a lousy mother (she'd be the first to admit it). For a long time, she's had knee, hip, and back issues--mostly pain. She's been seeing a doctor about it and just today had an MRI to get to the bottom of it. Sadly, she may need to have surgery.
My concerns today: I would like her to finish school so she can move past neutral. I'm glad she's working at a job she loves, but it's basically minimum wage, and she likes to do and spend. I'm also worried about her having surgery. She doesn't allow me to care for her, so who will? Will her boyfriend, her best friend, a new friend?
What I'm grateful for: I'm so glad she's clean and sober and has somewhat normal young woman issues. My daughter has a lot of shames from her past, but they are in the past. She'll always be a little different and will always suffer from depression, but as long as she doesn't self-medicate, as long as she reaches out, I think she'll be ok. She's a little elusive sometimes, but when she needs something, I do hear from her. We're not disconnected really--we talk or text most days, I just think she's trying to cut the apron strings, and she tells me on a regular basis how grateful she is for my support and love through the years. I don't even care if she's manipulating me--it's good to hear! LOL.
No comments:
Post a Comment