Heart on a Roller Coaster

I've been keeping this blog for a long time--more than eight years now. In reading some of my posts, I realize I've had so much hope over the years that we'd be in a good place by now. She was about 17 when I started writing about her, and she's 25 now.  The tiniest morsel of good behavior or a positive conversation changed the whole direction of my thinking. I noticed that I often end a period of time with a high high or low low, and then when I pick up again, it's like that event never happened. I've had to restart my relationship with her dozens of times.

I'm in a low period now with my daughter. I don't necessarily suspect drugs or legal issues, and I know she's relatively OK. It's our relationship that is on the skids right now. She's not speaking to me and I don't really know why. I mean, the silence followed her not liking an opinion I had of what she was doing, but I spoke to her like an adult--just as I'd speak to any young woman I know. In my mind, she'd be miffed, but would talk to me about it. She might be snarky or rude, but we'd argue a little, get over the hump, and move on.

I guess I was asking for too much. She's a beautiful, sensitive, gifted person, who's just so unhappy, confused, distant, and flat-out mean, especially to me. I will always love her, agonize over her, and hope for a change, but I'm pretty disheartened right now, and feel a big emptiness in my soul.

How can a child disconnect this way, with no conscience? I don't understand how a child I raised and saw to the end of so many tragedies, and who acknowledges that I have, could be so cruel. There's just so many times a mother can go through this before her heart is completely broken, and she has to move on with herself and her life. I just don't know how, and I already feel guilty.