My Cause, Cure, Control Mantra

Because my relationship with my daughter is pretty much nonexistent, I truly don’t know if she is fighting an addiction. She’s done a lot of drugs in her life, but she’s never been diagnosed with an addiction or been to rehab. As far as I know, she chooses this lifestyle; it doesn’t choose her. There are no addicts (that I know of) in my family, and I barely know anything about her father’s family. She’s managed to work, drive, and function for years, even if I don’t like how she lives.

There is a philosophy, however, that I first heard of when I read Beautiful Boy, by David Sheff, which has moved me like nothing else. It seems to be applicable to a host of other issues you may be having with someone who continually brings you sorrow. My daughter may or may not be an addict, but she has caused so much grief from her behaviors and choices, I have come to internalize this message so I can live with myself. 

Beautiful Boy chronicles Sheff’s life with a meth-addicted son, with all its hope, sorrow, guilt, shame, rationalizing . . . . While I have little in common with the dad (I’ve never used drugs and I don’t drink), the struggle to love a child who continually sabotages their life is something I do relate to. The philosophy I’m referring to is the 3Cs of addiction, which I’ve captured from this page: https://www.projectknow.com/mothers-find-strength-in-the-3-cs-of-addiction/. Here they are:

I Didn’t Cause It: Good mothers do everything to raise their children in a safe, supportive and loving environment. When dealing with addiction, it’s natural to want to blame someone: especially yourself. As a mother, you must understand that you did not cause your child’s addiction, no matter how you may feel or what your child may say. In the throes of addiction, your child may cast blame, but this is simply an attempt to justify addictive behaviors. You can’t control the decisions of your child, so you are not the cause of their addiction.

I Can’t Cure It: You also cannot “cure” a child suffering from addiction. Scientifically, addiction is viewed as a chronic disease, much like diabetes or asthma. Severe addiction is not a question of willpower, so attempts to rationalize and cure the disease of addiction is typically a waste of effort. You can’t rationalize or cure diabetes, how could you fix your child’s addiction? Although sharing your thoughts and feelings, possibly even imposing consequences, are natural reactions, it’s up to your child to seek professional treatment.

I Can’t Control It: Many mothers believe they can control, or manage, their child’s addiction. However, addiction is viewed as a disease because it biologically alters brain chemistry. After a certain time of persistent usage, the child is not controlling the substance; the substance—and its effects on brain chemistry—control rational thinking that leads to subsequent behaviors. If your child is biologically unable to control their rational thoughts, then why would you be able to?

 I’ve been reciting this to myself as a mantra when I feel guilty, like I could still do something. But not only is my daughter dishonest with me, she lives 1500 miles away, and is 25 years old. I have no power. I can see now that I never really did.