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7/15/11

Pepper Spray Is on Its Way

I never realized how critical it is to continually discuss personal safety with your teenage girls. I mean, I knew it was important, of course, and I have in a general sense, but you never think it’s going to apply to your family. But I was wrong. My older daughter was accosted on her way home from the gym last night. She lives in another city in a neighboring state, so she couldn’t call me to come help. I didn’t know anything until the ordeal was over.
This girl is wonderful in every way—she has the ability to see the best in people. In fact, when she first saw this creep, she smiled at him, thinking that being nice would keep him away. In this case, it didn’t matter what she did; he had it in his mind to follow her and harass her, and he ended up terrifying her. He followed her on both sides of the street, walking at her pace, until at one point he grabbed her arm and pushed himself up against her. He taunted her with comments like, “Mmmm, girl. I like you all sweaty from your workout.” and “What’s the matter, don’t you like black people?”
She broke free and headed toward the train station and ran down the stairs (I immediately thought of crime shows where the subway station or the parking garage is where you’ll surely meet your demise—so you never go alone). She put her payment in the turnstile and he was right on her and went through on her turn. By the grace of God, there were a number of people in the area to absorb her, and she sat next to a young woman until the train came.
The train came along, and hallelujah he was gone. As soon as she got off the train in her neighborhood, she called me, absolutely hysterical. I could hear her body shaking right through the phone. I kept repeating two things: thank God you’re okay and NEVER AGAIN. She’s so lucky it ended so well; it could’ve been so much worse, SO much worse. She could have been raped or killed—what a disgusting thought, I can’t go there.
She was too terrified and frozen to report this incident to the police and I doubt she’d be able to identify him; it’s a scary thought that he might be out there ready to pounce on another naïve young woman. Sadly, this is going to change my daughter’s sunny outlook on life. She felt so vulnerable and small, and it’s going to affect her more deeply than she realizes.
According to an article on www.feminist.com, here are some crime facts that are sincerely startling:
  • Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) calculation based on 2000 National Crime Victimization Survey. Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice)
  • One out of every six American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. (Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey, National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1998)
  • Factoring in unreported rapes, about 5% - one out of twenty - of rapists will ever spend a day in jail. 19 out of 20 will walk free. (Probability statistics based on US Department of Justice Statistics)
  • Fewer than half (48%) of all rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police (DOJ 2001).
  • Females ages 12 to 24 are at the greatest risk for experiencing a rape or sexual assault (DOJ 2001).
  • About 81% of rape victims are white; 18% are black; 1% are of other races. (Violence Against Women, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Dept. of Justice, 1994.)
I immediately went to www.amazon.com, found an industrial strength pepper spray she can carry on her keychain, and it’s being shipped as I write this. I know it’s not the solution to the violence that crosses her path—or any of our paths—at any given moment, but if it can give her a moment’s peace of mind, that’s a start.

7/14/11

Forty annoying things teenagers say to adults

Forty annoying things teenagers say to adults


1.  Whatever.
2.  You’re old what would you know?
3.  Just because I’m a kid doesn’t mean I’m stupid.
4.  I’m a kid, it’s not my fault.
5.  Shut up.
6.  No.
7.  Talk to the hand cos the face isn’t listening.
8.  You don’t understand me.
9.  I hate you.
10. I wish I’d never been born.
11. I want to leave home.
12. Can I have some money?
13. Can I borrow your car?
14. When you die do I get the house?
15. When are we going to be there (car journey)?
16. What’s for dinner?
17. When is dinner ready?
18. I am hungry.
19. I’m bored.
20. Am I adopted?
21. I wish I was dead.
22. I wish you were dead.
23. Can I have a party?
24. Can my boyfriend sleep over?
25. I’m not going to college; I’m taking a year out to find myself.
26. Life is harder for us kids today than it was in your day.
27. It’ my life, I’ll do what I want.
28. Will you come and pick me up?
29. You don’t trust me.
30. Have you seen my PE kit?
31. I can do it myself.
32. I am never going out again (has a pimple).
33. Can we get a dog? Lucy has a dog.
34. Why don’t you ever listen to me?
35. I’m not listening to you.
36. Why can’t I smoke, you do?
37. You had me at 16, why can’t I have a baby at 16?
38. I wish you were more like Andy’s mom, she’s cool
39. Cheryl’s mom lets her stay out late, why can’t I?
40. It’s not fair!

20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off

credit: 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off
Written by Ronit Baras

Last week, I wrote about the things that parents say that turn off communication between them and their teens. Today, I would like to talk about the buttons teens push to set their parents off and "make" them lose their minds.

From their early years, kids have an inherent sense of their parents' weaknesses. They learn it by themselves - they do not need to go to school to study what works and what does not work. They are so sophisticated, they can tell you what works on Daddy and what works on Mommy, even if they are very different.
It is amazing sometimes to see a young baby, stepping as much as possible on the toes of his parents and making them behave in funny ways. This thing works both ways. Our children know us so well, they can make us do silly things out of joy or out of anger or guilt.

I remember my daughter, when she was young, would get out of bed late at night (after refusing to go to sleep), stand in front of me with a miserable look on her face and say, "I'm hungry". You see, she would never stand in front of Gal and say that, because he would tell her to get back in bed. However, I was so sensitive to this, I would make her something to eat in the middle of the night. It took me a while to realize she was actually playing on a soft spot of mine towards "hungry kids". When I did finally realize this, we agreed that only Dad would take care of hunger in the middle of the night and, sure enough, it disappeared.

By the time kids become teens, they know so much about their parents they use all possible tactics to make them do what they want. By that stage, they have tried so many things they know what they need to say to win in a parent–teen battle.
It is not surprising, though, that the better the relationship between parent and teen is, the less likely it is that the teen will use these tactics.

Expressions that set you off

Become familiar with these expressions and before you lose it, focus on the real interpretation of what you hear. You will be surprised when you do so that instead of feeling angry and frustrated, you will feel understanding and supportive and you will smile with love. Remember, when your child is upset and says something, he or she really means to say something else.
  1. "I am bored" is really "I need your help. I do not know what to do with myself"
  2. "I hate you" really means "I need you to tell me you love me"
  3. "I hate school" means "School was hard for me today" or ''Something happened at school. Ask me what happened"
  4. "I can do whatever I want" means "I feel helpless and out of control"
  5. "You never give me what I want" means "I need something from you and it is hard for me to convince you"
  6. "No one loves me in this family" means "I am looking for some attention"
  7. "I am going to run away" means "I am afraid of running away"
  8. "You don't care about me" means "I need you to tell me you care about me"
  9. "You are not my real Mom" means "I miss my real Mom and I'm having a challenge adjusting to your style" (stepmothers, take note – besides being fact, remember your stepchildren are required to make adjustments they did not choose to make)
  10. "All the other kids get to go and I don't" means "It is hard to be different"
  11. "I don't have to listen to you" means "I am upset that I need to listen to you"
  12. "I am going to kill myself" means "Please help me. I do not want to hurt myself"
  13. "You are cruel" means "Tell me you love me"
  14. "You never let me do anything I want" means "I am frustrated"
  15. "Why do I have to be so different?" means "I need the approval of my friends and it is hard for me to be different from them"
  16. "I don't need you" means "I need you so much I feel helpless"
  17. "I wish you would die" means "Say something nice to me, quick!"
  18. "I am not going to stay in this house" means "I am afraid of leaving this house"
  19. "This life is not worth living" means "I need your help in finding meaning in life"
  20. "It is all your fault" means "I feel guilty"
In our house, when one of the kids uses one of the expressions above, we have one answer and one answer only:
I love you too!
By the time they become teenagers, they already know us so well, they know this answer by heart and even say it to each other.

7/13/11

College! Already??

Well, my darling daughter is registered for college! She’s Über excited about it and I’m so proud of her for taking this step—she handled everything herself except paying the tuition. I have my silent reservations about how she’ll handle it, as she doesn’t have the best track record for school. But I’m giving way to trust and hope, and giving her the benefit of the doubt—and I’ll keep my big mouth shut.
Judging by how seriously she takes work, I think there is hope for college. She’s excited about the freedom she has to take classes she has an interest in, and she also takes great pleasure in telling everyone that she’s starting college, which is remarkable since she still supposed to be in high school. To me, she’s more than ready to start this part of her life. Working is great, and she’ll continue to work through school, but it’s not enough. She needs to constantly be moving and thinking and busy, and she needs to meet better quality, like-minded people. Her work friends are pleasant, but most are content to work at a job their whole lives—she is career-oriented, which means education-oriented. Which means—being in alignment with our family values. Which means, maybe all the rebellious stuff is settled in her mind??
I know she’ll have bouts of frustration, anger, and self-doubt while in school—haven’t we all—but she can do this and she WILL do this. She may be lazy half the time, but the other half, when she says she going to do something, she does it. No one can help her or do it for her; in fact, helping is the worst thing you can do for my daughter. She wants to be independent and fall on her face if she has to. I have to curb my instinct to coddle and do for her, but she teaches me every day that I have taught her enough, and she has enough good sense, to be able to handle big-girl, big-world stuff.
August 20 is her BIG DAY! I remember saying that yesterday about kindergarten! Good luck, my beautiful baby.

7/11/11

Get Out! Sneaky Kids and Prying Parents Make a Toxic Mix

Thinking About Kids

Parents, kids, and the way we live together.

Cops: Teen in fatal accident was drunk and high on Ecstasy

Cops: Teen in fatal accident was drunk and high on Ecstasy

No Matter If You Work or Stay Home, Being a Mom Sucks

written by Brian Moylan
A new survey says that practically all mothers are stressed out, no matter if they work or stay at home. No one said this was going to be easy!


The study, done by TheBump.com and Forbes Woman showed that 92% of working moms were stressed out, but so were 89% of stay-at-home moms. Well, when you have a bunch of whining, sniveling simpletons wailing at you to meet their every need and then you have to leave the office and deal with the same thing at home, it's gonna cause some stress. But we guess it doesn't even matter if women try to "have it all" anymore, because it's gonna suck no matter what happens.


The women reported that the No. 1 cause of their stress was that their partners didn't help out enough with the parenting duties. Oh, that's so like women. Just go blaming the men. The way to relieve their stress was either by telling their partners to do more or talking to other mothers about stress. Yup, nagging and bitching. Women. Sheesh!

7/1/11

What Cellphone Calls Say About Parent-Teenager Relations


Do cellphones help teenagers feel more independent, or are they an electronic leash?

Poor communication is a common complaint when it comes to parents and teenagers. What happens when you throw a cellphone into the mix?

At least 75 percent of American teenagers today have a cellphone, often purchased by their parents so they can stay in closer touch. And parents are more likely than other adults to have a cellphone, for the same reason.

“The phone is now a huge part of parenting. It’s how you reach your kids,” said Amanda Lenhart, a senior research specialist with the Pew Research Center Internet and American Life project. In a survey conducted in the summer of 2009, nearly 70 percent of teenagers said they talked on the phone with their parents at least once a day.

Now researchers are starting to zero in on how cellphone use affects the dynamic of the parent-child relationship. A paper published online on Monday in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking suggests that both the nature of the calls and who initiates the calls may affect relations.
Robert S. Weisskirch, a professor of human development at California State University in Monterey Bay, asked 196 parent-teenager pairs to tell him how frequently they made different types of calls. The teenagers were asked about 18 different types of situations or circumstances in which they might call parents and to rank them from “never” to “often.”

The calls fell into two basic categories: “ask and confer” calls, in which teenagers checked in with their parents to ask permission or tell a parent they would be late; and “social support” calls, made when they were upset, wanted advice or wanted to tell a parent they were happy and share some good news.
Parents were asked how often they called their children to monitor their whereabouts, track their schoolwork, check in with them and get an update — or express anger or dissatisfaction with something the teenager did.

Parents and teenagers also filled out questionnaires about their relationship, how close they were, how much conflict there was and how well they communicated.

What Dr. Weisskirch found wasn’t altogether surprising. When teenagers called parents frequently to “ask and confer,” it was better for their relationship, and they were more likely to characterize their parents as supportive and say they were close and communicated well. Parents were gratified by the calls, too; such calls seemed to boost their self-esteem.

“What I found generally was that when adolescents are initiating the communication and are seeking out social support and guidance from their parents, then almost across the board they tend to have better reports of getting along with their parents,” Dr. Weisskirch said.

On the other hand, when parents were initiating calls frequently to monitor their children’s whereabouts, track their homework or tell them they were upset, there was more conflict in the relationship, and the teenagers tended to have lower self-esteem. “When the parents call and have a lot of communication around ‘what are you doing?’ or ‘who are you with?’ or when they’re angry at the child and upset or scared, the kids report more conflict in the family,” he said.

Ultimately, the phone is just a tool that may augment the relationship but doesn’t substitute for it, he said. Still, he said, the phone may help during the transitional time of adolescence, when children are flexing their independence but tend to need guidance making decisions. “The phone has the potential to enhance parenting by giving parents an opportunity to provide guidance, even though they’re not face to face, and help their kids learn how to make good decisions,” he said.

But the phone can also increase tension, Ms. Lenhart said. “What this is making clear is that frequent calls from parents can be negative, that parents who are anxious and worried and constantly calling their child to monitor and ask about schoolwork or argue and try to discipline them — when you try to do the negative parts of parenting over the phone, it doesn’t work particularly well.”

Setting clear parameters for phone use from the outset may prevent conflict and mitigate misunderstandings, Dr. Weisskirch said. It is probably a good idea, for example, for parents to be very clear about what their expectations are about how often the teenager must make contact, he said, and to establish that not answering a parent’s call is not an option.

“The adolescent needs to know what’s expected of them, and how they’re supposed to use this technology that has crept into our lives,” he said.

Credit:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/07/01/what-cellphone-calls-say-about-parent-teenager-relations/?ref=health

Daughter’s Day in Court

It’s hard to make a judgment whether I respect our juvenile court system. My first thought, after spending the morning at the county juvenile courthouse, is that it’s no wonder kids repeat offenses and have no fear of being caught.
I was over-prepared, as usual, and made sure my daughter was as well. We had all our documents in folders, had turned in all requested forms and statements, and dressed like we were going to court. During the 45-minute trip to the facility, we went over the process that I had discussed with the probation officer. In other words, we took it seriously.
Nervous and anxious, we walked into total chaos. There were hundreds of people herded into a noisy lobby with seats lining the walls. There were about 10 courtrooms, with people standing, leaning, sitting, and squatting all over. My daughter and I checked in and the clerk commented to my daughter, “You don’t look like you belong here.” My daughter responded, “I don’t belong here. I did make a stupid mistake, but I’m not like the other people here.” And it was true. We were surrounded by people who looked rough and rather street wise—everything from tattoo sleeves to miniskirts and half shirts. And those were the moms! I hate to make judgments, but there were some people in there who, in another scenario, would scare me and cause me to lock the doors of my car as I drove past. Sadly, they were juveniles, and many of them were in court directly from jail and minimally supervised.
After standing for about 15 minutes near our courtroom door (with no “gentlemen” giving up their seats, God forbid), the public defender called my daughter’s name to come speak privately. Brenda was a young, pretty lawyer and about as interested in us as she was in a wet toilet seat. She took us to a “private” location, which amounted to a seat out in the open, just in a different section of the lobby. In front of some strangers, she went over my daughter’s charges and her options. Then she noticed that there was a third charge involving drug possession that was being processed, so we couldn’t address the charges we were there for that day. That meant we had to wait around to see the judge so we could ask for a date in the future to come back and address all three charges: Shoplifting, Driving on a Suspended License, and Drug Possession.
I looked through my paperwork for another court notice indicating that we DID have a future date set for July 12. She knew nothing about that (probably because she didn’t look at any of our paperwork before she met us), so she told us she’d ask the appropriate court clerk between hearings what that was about. After she was done talking, she got up and headed back to Courtroom 5, so we figured we should follow her and that we’d be going into the courtroom. When I asked her if we were going in now (the appointed time on our notice), she laughed and said, “Oh, no. Make yourself comfortable, it’s going to be a while.” Thanks for telling us. We sat down and she went back to her original seat. I didn’t see her go speak with anyone “between hearings.”
The probation officer, Donna, with whom I spoke previously on the phone and had been emailing, came over to tell us what was going to happen next. She said we would see the judge and set a new date for a hearing, and at that time plead guilty to the worst charge and have the others dismissed, and be assigned some sort of probation. My daughter could also possibly be given a drug test (which I could visibly see my daughter was freaking out about). Donna said we might not be seen until noon! I was amazed, as it was only 9:30 a.m. and I just didn’t get it. She was empathetic and human at least. In fact, we both liked her approach very much.
Turns out we were called within a few minutes after that and were seated with Brenda and Donna. In a tiny courtroom with just some tables in a semi-circle, they did some formalities that required very little talking, and almost no one addressed my daughter or me. Brenda requested a new date, and they set it for about 7 weeks in the future. Then the judge said we were dismissed. I’d say we were in there about 5 minutes.
Donna met with us afterward to explain what had just happened before our eyes. On the future date, we will only be addressing the suspended license and shoplifting charge; the drug possession had been dismissed because they were incorrect. So, she only has to plead guilty to the stronger charge and the other one will be dismissed. She’ll be assigned some level of probation, and hopefully Donna can put her on her caseload. Also, the judge did NOT require a drug test at all, but I will be assessed a $400 charge for the public defender (for what????? aren’t PDs on salary? and what exactly did she do?) and a $25 court fee). I have the right to request financial help with that, though I doubt I’ll qualify. We had a nice, pleasant chat with Donna about what a great kid my daughter is, and some other small talk, and she sent us on our way. Done.
In summary, we traveled a total of 90 minutes, took PTO from work, dressed up for nothing (because no one really even looked at us), and got charged $425 just so we can be told to come back another time because all the stacks of paperwork that we were sent mean zero. None of our forms were read, our statements that were thoughtfully crafted were ignored, and all the things my daughter did wrong really don’t matter. Do they treat the juveniles who raped someone, robbed a convenience store clerk at gunpoint, or were in possession of meth and crack cocaine the same way? I love my daughter, but breaking the law is breaking the law. I can see how her offenses were light compared to other kids’, but I don’t see any deterrents in place after visiting this courthouse. My kid was the only one scared.