The start to the start of a new start?

My darling daughter is now in Portland, Oregon, scoping out the place because she wants to move there. I took both my daughters there for my birthday, thinking they’d get a kick out of it. Turns out, she LOVED it and has been setting her sights on it ever since. I’m pleased that she’s made this her goal, and even more pleased that she had the forethought to do some recognizance. It whipped into gear her organizational skills. She and her friend planned the route, the stops, the accommodations at AirBNBs, and even a tour from a friend from Phoenix (not too keen on that as she’s supposed to be starting fresh, but oh well).

I’ve heard bits and pieces about her trip, and all her texts are positive: “I feel like I’ve lived here my whole life.” “It has everything I need here (except my mommy).” “It’s so pretty here.” “I want to live in so many areas, that I think I’ll get a van and just park it in a different neighborhood each week.”

I’m excited for her to make this giant change—she could use it and I support that. She hates living in this city, and bad memories drudge up everywhere she goes. She’s been pretty strong and has come around and been good—her probation is over, her debt to society has been paid, and she was offered a good job that will start in a few weeks. I desperately want her to finish school and take care of her health issues, but she procrastinates. I give up; It’s her life.

I also don’t know where she stands with her boyfriend, who’s been a very good influence on her. They drive each other crazy, and break up every few months despite him calling her his “love” and she telling me that after a year, she’s still in love. Right now, I think they’re apart but friends, but who knows? He was originally going to move to Portland with her, but I can’t imagine how he feels that she went with her friend, who’s a guy, instead. And this friend is moving there with her. There’s no relationship threat, as the friend is gay, but their friendship is tight. The boyfriend must feel left out, and that’s got to suck for him. However, unlike the boyfriend who has a great job and a ton of lifelong friends here, the friend has at best an OK job and few friends.

So, yes, I’m in support of her going away from here. I’ll miss her, but I frankly don’t see her that much anyway. I love her desperately and have turned myself inside out for her, but she needs to find her place in this world. My husband doesn’t “get it,” as he puts it, but in his family parents smother their kids. He’s totally stunted because of it, strong as he is. I can go a week without talking to one of my children or my sister and not think anything is wrong. He talks to his parents five times a day at least, one kid twice or three times a day, and his other kid lives with us. He also talks to his sisters every day—at least once. And sometimes he talks to his nephews for hours at a time. He doesn’t understand how the quiet phone doesn’t bother me and I don’t understand how he can stand all this talking—often about nothing in particular. We’re just different. I accept that. I’ll miss my daughter, but I believe she needs to do this to prove that she’s an adult and that she can take care of herself.

I know part of it is that she sees her sister as a role model. Sister left home at 19 and made a life for herself in another cool city, and has been there ever since, living a cool life. She’s now embarking on a yearlong adventure in South America, where she’ll work and tour, and immerse herself in the language and culture. My daughter doesn’t always get along with her big sister, but I know she admires her for her bravery and general coolness.