I love my kids so much, sometimes I wish I never had them...

I know that sounds absolutely horrible, but this comes after a beautiful three-week visit with my 20-year-old. She came home to unwind from her life in the Bay Area, which frankly is better than my life. She spent her time flitting from friend to friend, hanging out with me, and reconnecting with her somewhat-troubled-teen-whom-this-blog-is-about-sister.


She only had one bad day--after a lunch with a high school friend who's parents are very wealthy and give her everything on a silver platter, including wonderful trips to Europe and Israel and South America that should be going to my daughter. She was angry and miserable after THAT lunch and she was mad at me for hours. What made it worse was that the girl doesn't appreciate it, didn't have any interesting stories about her travels, and was mad that her mother was delayed in putting money into her checking account. This didn't go over well with my daughter, who busts her ass in pizzeria.


Older daughter is doing well, though, but her ADD is rocking. It was nearly impossible to have a sane conversation with her--between her random thoughts, her texing and phone calls, and seeing shiny things--I thought I would go out of my mind. At the same time, this is who she has always been, how I've always known her. Her mind working too fast for her mouth, and I love her for it. She's still funny and delightful and lights up the room.


Little sister, not so troubled anymore, still loves to dig the knife in my back. Even though she's doing remarkably well in her life, she has no trouble bringing up periods of time that make me sick to think about them. Big sister thinks it's perfectly fine to talk about the bad things in the past because that's part of their lives and made them who they are (so wise and mature, I guess she thinks). I, on the other hand, want to forget the bad shit and see only that we've overcome it--somehow.


So as we were walking into Goodwill, where we go to look for random treasures, my younger daughter mentioned an ugly time and some ugly people that crossed our paths when she was about 14 or 15, and I literally got nauseous. I asked her to please not mention those times because it upsets me, and it caused a rift for the next hour. I held it together, but when we got back in the car, I started to cry uncontrollably.


I cried for so many reasons all at the same time. The cliched "flood gates" simply opened up and I couldn't stop myself. I cried because I can't afford real shopping sprees, cried for the mistakes I made in raising my daughters, cried for making them live with my boyfriend whom they ended up hating, cried for being too strict--then cried for being too lenient, cried for not having college money, cried for hating my job, cried because their father sucks, cried for living in such a hot city that they both hate, cried and cried and cried. You name it, I cried about it.


Those precious girls tried to cheer me up, console me, reassure me that those times were in the past and it's okay--they love me more than anything in the world. They told me that I gave them good values--that they know how to work hard and be independent and make decisions for themselves. My younger daughter assured me that I couldn't have stopped her from doing the things she did. She manipulated me, snuck around, kept secrets, and was bad all on her own. I was a good mother, they both told me.


See what I mean? Can you understand why I wish I never had them? I love them so much, wanted them from the minute I knew they were in my body. We've been through so much in their 18 and 20 years and now I wish I could take it all back. I brought them into this world knowing it wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, my situation was wrong for parenting, and I was a poor teacher. I brought them into this world because I wanted them and nothing more. That was selfish and these amazing people deserve so much more and I can never give them what I think they deserve.


When I took my angel girl to the airport yesterday, I about lost my mind. I cried all morning before the drive, most of the drive down, then really turned on the waterworks when we got out of the car to say goodbye. I can't take this motherhood thing. It's too hard to keep saying farewell, until next time. I can't do it anymore!

5 Great Books on Parenting Young Adults

How To Let Go... But Not Too Much

By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide

Source: http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/lettinggo.htm

There's a sudden shift in roles when children grow up. Do you simply let go and shut up? Stay involved, no matter what 20-something wrath you invoke? And where's the how-to book, anyway?

Unlike the toddler parenting years, there aren't 4 million books out there on parenting grown-ups, but here are five good parenting advice books to add to your bookshelf:

1.    The College Years: Karen Levin Coburn's Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years is a top choice among freshman parents and beleaguered college deans. Coburn, dean of freshman transition at Washington University, and co-author Madge Treeger delve into how to reinvent the parent-child relationship, and how to encourage "independent decision making with an expression of support for whatever is decided." In other words, how to offer loving guidance without anyone throwing objects at your head.

2.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Jane Adams' gently funny I'm Still Your Mother: How to Get Along with Your Grown-Up Children for the Rest of Your Life offers down-to-earth advice packaged under such irresistible chapter headings as “Maybe This is Just a Stage You’re Going Through” and “I Don’t Care What You Do, Darling, As Long As It Makes You Happy, and Other Lies Mothers Tell Their Children.”

3.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Brandeis University's Ruth Nemzoff tackles family dynamics in Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. The old dictum about letting go and shutting up may have worked back in granny's day, when lifespans were considerably shorter, but you and your adult children may have another half century together. Shouldn't it be in the context of a loving and supportive family relationship, rather than in the spirit of "I disapprove of your decisions but I'm going to zip my lip and ooze unspoken disapproval instead"?

4.    20-Somethings and Young Adults: Jane Isay's Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents shares real-people stories and practical tips to demonstrate that even the smallest changes in behavior- how you communicate and how you relate to the other people who are important in your kids' lives - can make a big difference.

5.    The Entire Family: And finally, Georgetown University linguistics professor Deborah Tannen offers up I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults. Tannen explores family arguments, conversations and misunderstandings. It's not just the messages that count, she says, it's the "metamessages" - the words we say and the words they hear.

Can parents be friends with their adult children? Is it normal?

I just love this article—it’s such a positive way to look at the relationship between parents and their adult children. I was once one of those helicopter parents, but now I can morph that constant involvement into a healthy “consultant” role for my girls.

Parenting Tips for Staying Close to Your Adult Child, While Letting Go

Nurturing the new, empty nest, parent-adult child relationship

By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide

Source: http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/Stayingclose.htm

Remember back when your kids were young and the parenting advice was, they don’t need a friend - they need a parent? Now that your kids are grown, it’s the reverse. Like any adult, they don’t want a micromanager vetting their playmates, fretting about how much sleep they get or kibbitzing about how they spend their time. Instead, they’re looking for the very thing you once fantasized about: a wise and loving friend and mentor.

Question is, how do you, the parent or empty nester, restructure the relationship so you’re neither too involved, nor so hands-off there isn’t much of a relationship there at all?

·    The new you: advisor extraordinaire. It may be helpful if you think of yourself as a consultant instead of a 24/7 manager. Just like in the corporate world, good consultants offer expertise only when asked, couch it diplomatically and expect that at least half of what they say will be ignored. That’s OK. It’s no reflection on your superb (of course!) advice. Your input is just a part of what your now-grown child may be using to make a decision and in any case, it’s not your choice to make. But you can avoid hurt feelings on both sides if you preface your advice with phrases such as “One possible solution might be …” or “You’re probably looking at many issues, but one thing to consider is …”

·     Don’t zip it. Keeping communication lines open is even more important now as your roles shift, says Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, author of Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. Talk frankly and openly about what both of you want, need and expect in this new relationship. It may be as simple as a Sunday evening call home, or another regular way to keep in touch.

·     Be respectful. You probably wouldn’t criticize a friend’s choice of spouse, profession or hemline, yet it’s common to blurt those well-intentioned, but oh-so-poorly-phrased criticisms to an adult child: “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” or “What kind of job is that for an adult?” If you truly thought your friend was making a terrible mistake, you’d tell him, but carefully and tactfully. Exercise the same respect and compassion with your child. At the same time, be aware that your child will probably hear implied criticism in just about everything you say, including "Gee, you look tired." Talking it out helps.

·     Nurture the relationship. Here’s the best part: Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected. Enjoy it.