8/28/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part IV

The Big Confrontation
I just came out with it. I outlined everything I found and what I know about what it all meant. I told her I knew that she had told me dozens of lies over the past year, that it was not acceptable, that I would press charges if I caught her involved in any further illegal activities. I explained that stealing checks and prescription pads was illegal and I wouldn’t hesitate to turn her in if I found out she has actually attempted to use any of them. I told her I knew about the sneaking out – every last bit of it. I made it clear that I’m very black and white about breaking the law.

I asked direct questions and she answered them truthfully. She admitted to using Ecstasy, smoking cigarettes and pot, drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages, and to sleeping with about five boys already. She knew all about the risks and side effects, and told me things that I hadn’t yet learned about her experimentation. I was relieved at her truthfulness, as well as her willingness to make changes.

It has been 22 days since that night, and she has been clean and compliant. We’ve had many very deep conversations and she has made the decision to change. I make it nearly impossible to be bad, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t opportunities. While she’s doing things to elevate my trust in her, she doesn’t quite have it yet. The Total Transformation and my new therapist tell me I have to give her opportunities to prove herself, even when there’s temptation. For example, I work all day and she’s at home alone. Anything and everything can happen. So far, so good. That’s all I can say. I come home at lunch and she’d doing what she’s supposed to. Her attitude is sometimes the old one, but I’m more concerned with her behaviors. When she gets obnoxious, I walk away from the flame.

I try to keep her busy. She does a few days a week of community service, will be taking cooking classes for a few days, and will visit with my sister and help my brother-in-law with some construction projects. One thing that keeps her motivated is getting her driver’s license. She has her permit and loves to drive. She knows I will NOT allow anyone who is drunk, stoned, or otherwise impaired to drive any car I own. If she has one single incident between now and December, when she’s eligible for the license, she’s done.

Another thing I’ve learned is that there will be good days and bad days, good moods and bad moods. That’s life, especially as a parent!

8/15/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part III

Doing Things Differently – At Least Wising Up for a Change

Me, being a knowledge addict, went directly online and tried to learn about Ecstasy and what glow sticks and pacifiers had to do with anything. I found some sites that not only cleared all that up, but scared the hell out of me. She was in danger – the whole scene revolves around heightened sensations and loss of inhibitions. That’s beyond dangerous for a fifteen-year-old who already thinks she’s invincible.

I researched for the entire two weeks she was gone. I decided to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and make a plan of some sort. Even if it was the wrong one, it was better than what I was doing before with my head in the sand. She had texted me during her trip and revealed that she felt depressed and stressed. I didn’t know if it was true depression or a result of coming down from the drugs. I called teen lines, drug centers, counselors, other parents; I opened up to friends and family and asked for their support and advice; I spoke with wilderness camps and boarding schools. You name it, I looked into it.

The first hurdle was making it known to my daughter that I knew everything. I didn’t need her sister to tell me a thing, because the clues were right there for the taking. I formulated what I was going to say to her and when. My thought was to tell her straight out what I found, what I learned, and what the new rules were going to be. Those rules included no sleepovers and having me drive her to and from outings with friends with a time limit. It isn’t convenient or fun for me, but her health and safety matters more. I bought a home drug testing kit just in case the need ever arises, and made an appointment with a gynecologist to check for STDs and pregnancy. You never know. I bought The Total Transformation program as well (which I’m following and loving. See my post on this program).

It didn’t work out exactly as planned, but it wasn’t bad. She came home unexpectedly early from her trip and was in a lovable, mellow mood. My real child underneath all the nonsense. She got to texting her friends almost immediately and asked to go over to a friend’s house – the one in particular I was wary of. I told her no, and when she questioned it, I explained that we would talk about that and other things at another time, when she was settled in and had some rest. She didn’t want to wait; she wanted to get through this as soon as possible. I tried to postpone the discussion, but she insisted.