Sometimes a text is worth a thousand words.

“I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait until we move into our new house. We’ll have so much time together.” That is a recent text from my “troubled teen.” I put that in quotations purposely—that’s what a mother will wait a lifetime to hear, and when she does, she forgets the past in an instant.

She tells me these types of things quite often, and I truly believe that’s how she feels. However, there’s a part of me that worries that there’s an ulterior motive when she expresses it. I don’t mean to be so distrustful or cynical, but considering our history, it’s honestly always at the back of my mind. Other parents who have been through a similar experience would probably understand. I will always give her the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best, but at the same time I feel like I’m also always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” or whatever the expression.

This time, though, I really think she is looking at this upcoming move as a new beginning. She has all sorts of plans for herself—as if the first day in the house divides the old life with the new one. She plans to quit smoking, get better friends, work out and take better care of her body, find a decent boyfriend, start planning for college, keep her room clean…everything that I would love to see happen. I would also love to see her continue to open up to me more and trust me.

She did have a sort of breakthrough the other day. She actually told me that she feels lonely. She didn’t say it in anger, or use it as an excuse for other unrelated behavior, she just needed to share her feelings and trusted me enough to discuss them. I told her I was very proud of her for being so honest and mature, and for wanting to make a change. We delved into these feelings a little more, and she also shared that she feels like she is boring and doesn’t know enough about things. What a great topic to discuss, especially with her wanting to attend school. We explored her interests and dreams, and came up with some ideas. I think she felt better for being honest, and it helps me understand a little more about her attitudes, behaviors, and emotions that I’ve seen lately.

I’ve learned not to judge or scorn her for her feelings, and to make sure she knows that feelings are naturally occurring and can’t be denied. It’s what you do with them and about them that make the difference. I love my daughter, and want nothing more than for her to understand and internalize that she is loved, wanted, cherished, and incredibly special. She doesn’t need drama, drugs, nicotine, or devilishness to fill her need for belonging. That text is proof.

The moods, the moods, the moods are back...

My younger daughter has been so testy lately. She jumps at everything I say, and talks to me like I’m ridiculous. I feel like she’s 14 again, and it sucks. It starts out okay and I measure my words, but it’s not long before I hear, “Stop it” or “Do we have to talk about that now?” It’s quite unpleasant to be around her lately and I’m getting irritated.

It began to be noticeable when I took her with me to go house hunting with my realtor/friend. I told her to stay low-key for business purposes, but it wasn’t long before she was verbally belligerent, making it clear what she “hated” and where she wasn’t going to live. When  I refused to look at a house that was across the street from a trailer park, she jumped all over me to tell me how rude and snobby I was. Right in front of my friend.  I had to take her aside and tell her to stop, but she argued with me until I told her to shut up. That’s always been a “bad word” in my family, so she was aghast. She went the other direction and shut down on me and was sour for the rest of the day. I was embarrassed and angry, but kept my mouth shut and ignored her.

We’ve gone up and down with this all month. Some days she’s pleasantly affable, some days she’s too tired to argue and I don’t talk to her much, other times she is ready to launch a can of scorn on me. I try to be funny and let it roll, but inside I’m churning. Those put-upon feelings surface and I want her out of my face. One morning, she was so rude in the way she was speaking to me, I lost my temper and told her if she didn’t change her attitude, she could pack her things and leave. I’m sure I dropped a few choice words in the process. These ugly sentiments lingered in the air, and that’s how we started our day. She really believed I meant it, but it was my temper speaking, the one I try so hard to keep in check. I did apologize to her for saying the thing she fears the most, and she apologized to me. We made up, and it “took,” but she is still up and down with her attitude and emotions. If I bring up certain subjects, she cuts me off and questions my motives. I get a lot of retorts that begin with, “You always….”

In trying to analyze what’s going on—I know she took on a second job for extra money and starts her day at 4:45; she tries to please her friends; she tries to be a good daughter, granddaughter, and sister; she tries to be responsible for herself; and  she has a lot on her mind and battles depression…but she is possibly taking on more than she can handle and she’s exhausted. I’ve been urging her to slow down and not worry about the second job, but she’s trying to prove something to herself. I have no say—if I try to give my opinion, it’s shot down like a deer in the woods.

I love this girl down to my bones, but she does NOT make my life easy.

8/28/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part IV

The Big Confrontation
I just came out with it. I outlined everything I found and what I know about what it all meant. I told her I knew that she had told me dozens of lies over the past year, that it was not acceptable, that I would press charges if I caught her involved in any further illegal activities. I explained that stealing checks and prescription pads was illegal and I wouldn’t hesitate to turn her in if I found out she has actually attempted to use any of them. I told her I knew about the sneaking out – every last bit of it. I made it clear that I’m very black and white about breaking the law.

I asked direct questions and she answered them truthfully. She admitted to using Ecstasy, smoking cigarettes and pot, drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages, and to sleeping with about five boys already. She knew all about the risks and side effects, and told me things that I hadn’t yet learned about her experimentation. I was relieved at her truthfulness, as well as her willingness to make changes.

It has been 22 days since that night, and she has been clean and compliant. We’ve had many very deep conversations and she has made the decision to change. I make it nearly impossible to be bad, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t opportunities. While she’s doing things to elevate my trust in her, she doesn’t quite have it yet. The Total Transformation and my new therapist tell me I have to give her opportunities to prove herself, even when there’s temptation. For example, I work all day and she’s at home alone. Anything and everything can happen. So far, so good. That’s all I can say. I come home at lunch and she’d doing what she’s supposed to. Her attitude is sometimes the old one, but I’m more concerned with her behaviors. When she gets obnoxious, I walk away from the flame.

I try to keep her busy. She does a few days a week of community service, will be taking cooking classes for a few days, and will visit with my sister and help my brother-in-law with some construction projects. One thing that keeps her motivated is getting her driver’s license. She has her permit and loves to drive. She knows I will NOT allow anyone who is drunk, stoned, or otherwise impaired to drive any car I own. If she has one single incident between now and December, when she’s eligible for the license, she’s done.

Another thing I’ve learned is that there will be good days and bad days, good moods and bad moods. That’s life, especially as a parent!

8/15/2009 My Troubled Teen – Part III

Doing Things Differently – At Least Wising Up for a Change

Me, being a knowledge addict, went directly online and tried to learn about Ecstasy and what glow sticks and pacifiers had to do with anything. I found some sites that not only cleared all that up, but scared the hell out of me. She was in danger – the whole scene revolves around heightened sensations and loss of inhibitions. That’s beyond dangerous for a fifteen-year-old who already thinks she’s invincible.

I researched for the entire two weeks she was gone. I decided to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and make a plan of some sort. Even if it was the wrong one, it was better than what I was doing before with my head in the sand. She had texted me during her trip and revealed that she felt depressed and stressed. I didn’t know if it was true depression or a result of coming down from the drugs. I called teen lines, drug centers, counselors, other parents; I opened up to friends and family and asked for their support and advice; I spoke with wilderness camps and boarding schools. You name it, I looked into it.

The first hurdle was making it known to my daughter that I knew everything. I didn’t need her sister to tell me a thing, because the clues were right there for the taking. I formulated what I was going to say to her and when. My thought was to tell her straight out what I found, what I learned, and what the new rules were going to be. Those rules included no sleepovers and having me drive her to and from outings with friends with a time limit. It isn’t convenient or fun for me, but her health and safety matters more. I bought a home drug testing kit just in case the need ever arises, and made an appointment with a gynecologist to check for STDs and pregnancy. You never know. I bought The Total Transformation program as well (which I’m following and loving. See my post on this program).

It didn’t work out exactly as planned, but it wasn’t bad. She came home unexpectedly early from her trip and was in a lovable, mellow mood. My real child underneath all the nonsense. She got to texting her friends almost immediately and asked to go over to a friend’s house – the one in particular I was wary of. I told her no, and when she questioned it, I explained that we would talk about that and other things at another time, when she was settled in and had some rest. She didn’t want to wait; she wanted to get through this as soon as possible. I tried to postpone the discussion, but she insisted.

8/5/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

The only way I can explain how I felt at the moment is the scene that flashed in my mind, like a movie camera that was focused on me suddenly pans way out and I’m tiny and alone, a mere dot in the universe. Who is prepared for this? How do you reconcile that you’ve been an involved, attentive mother for 15 years, and this is going on right under your nose and you have been the last one to know? You, who was an 8th grade teacher and trained to look for the signs? Who do you tell? Will they still be your friend, still respect you? Will your family still love your daughter when they find out what she’s done? Will they allow her in their house?

8/1/2009 My Troubled Teen Part II con't

Over time, her attitude became really surly with me and she slept sometimes for 15 straight hours, only waking up when I made her. She had no energy and lost weight. I chalked it up to growing and just being a teenager. I had no suspicions and no one told me anything.

It took her leaving on a community service caravan to get to the bottom of things. I searched her room and found a cache of disturbing items:

• Condoms
• Cigarettes
• Glow Sticks
• Pacifiers
• Blank checks from her grandparents and me
• Blank prescription pad from my stepfather, a retired physician
• Multiple pages visited on a dating website
• Subscription to a rave-type social networking site, with her rave name as her userid

Everywhere I looked, there was more stuff stashed away, but the stolen checks and prescription pad was practically in plain sight. I took that to mean that she wanted me to find them. I was pretty upset, more like frantic. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it wasn’t good. I could only ask one person – her sister. I pushed and pushed because it was clear she knew something. She cried out of guilt, both for not telling me and for ratting out her sister. I explained that it was my problem, not hers, and to unburden herself. It literally took 45 minutes for her to tell me that her sister had been sneaking out, going to raves, and using Ecstasy. It was the reason she was desperate to find jobs to make money, and why so much of her stuff was missing (explained away as stolen at the pool). Everything bad had to do with the raves.