Sometimes a text is worth a thousand words.

“I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait until we move into our new house. We’ll have so much time together.” That is a recent text from my “troubled teen.” I put that in quotations purposely—that’s what a mother will wait a lifetime to hear, and when she does, she forgets the past in an instant.

She tells me these types of things quite often, and I truly believe that’s how she feels. However, there’s a part of me that worries that there’s an ulterior motive when she expresses it. I don’t mean to be so distrustful or cynical, but considering our history, it’s honestly always at the back of my mind. Other parents who have been through a similar experience would probably understand. I will always give her the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best, but at the same time I feel like I’m also always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” or whatever the expression.

This time, though, I really think she is looking at this upcoming move as a new beginning. She has all sorts of plans for herself—as if the first day in the house divides the old life with the new one. She plans to quit smoking, get better friends, work out and take better care of her body, find a decent boyfriend, start planning for college, keep her room clean…everything that I would love to see happen. I would also love to see her continue to open up to me more and trust me.

She did have a sort of breakthrough the other day. She actually told me that she feels lonely. She didn’t say it in anger, or use it as an excuse for other unrelated behavior, she just needed to share her feelings and trusted me enough to discuss them. I told her I was very proud of her for being so honest and mature, and for wanting to make a change. We delved into these feelings a little more, and she also shared that she feels like she is boring and doesn’t know enough about things. What a great topic to discuss, especially with her wanting to attend school. We explored her interests and dreams, and came up with some ideas. I think she felt better for being honest, and it helps me understand a little more about her attitudes, behaviors, and emotions that I’ve seen lately.

I’ve learned not to judge or scorn her for her feelings, and to make sure she knows that feelings are naturally occurring and can’t be denied. It’s what you do with them and about them that make the difference. I love my daughter, and want nothing more than for her to understand and internalize that she is loved, wanted, cherished, and incredibly special. She doesn’t need drama, drugs, nicotine, or devilishness to fill her need for belonging. That text is proof.

What about the other one? The child who makes me feel like a GOOD mother.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking and fretting over my younger child with all the problems, past and present. Sure, she’s been a major focus of my parenthood, and the subject of this blog, but I’ve realized that it’s not fair. Leaving my first born out doesn’t paint a complete picture of my mothering skills, my life, my younger daughter’s life, or our family in general. First born is the closest thing to an angel that you’ll ever get. When she was born, I swear, the heavens opened up and God’s chorus sang a medley. She was not only a beautiful baby, but she was calm and born with a smile on her face. Her big, sparkling brown eyes looked into mine and that was it. She was, is, and always will be a mama’s girl.

She now lives in the Bay Area of California, which just about kills me. It has been a good experience for her—something she needed to do to have freedom and independence, but the distance is difficult to get used to. It’s not even a year yet, but it feels like forever. She’s too far to visit by car, and I can’t afford to take frequent flights there from where I live. Since she moved away, I’ve only seen her three times for just a few days.

I’m thinking about it now because she’s home for spring break from school. She has such a big presence—from the moment she walks into a room, she fills it up with joy and love. I can’t explain it. I love having her near. We don’t need to do much—just running errands or eating together is peaceful for me. She’s open-hearted and tells me what she thinks, feels, does, and plans. I feel part of her life, not just navigating around it waiting for the ball to drop. Honestly, if she wasn’t my child, I would want her as my friend.

Besides just totally LIKING and LOVING my beloved older daughter, I’m soooo proud of her. She has come to know and appreciate her own gifts—her outgoing personality, her ability to talk to anyone (regardless of age or position), her fantastic sense of humor, her charm, her intellect, her beauty, and her capacity to love and be loved. She is a great student, a conscientious and responsible young woman, kind friend, loving daughter, hard worker…I have such faith in her and know she’ll be successful, well-educated, and have an interesting life.

Whatever I’ve done wrong to make my other daughter so rebellious against me, I am comforted by the fact that I have a child who tells me that she couldn’t imagine a better mother than the one she has!

I Am Two Mothers—Part I of 3

I have a split personality, minus the mental illness (though some days I’m not so sure about that). I am two mothers in one body—one mother whose daughter is more of a challenge than she should have to handle, and another mother who hides this reality from the world.

The mother with the troubled daughter worries to the point of having ulcers, muscle aches, heart aches, hours of weeping, and bouts of anxiety. She lies awake at night wondering what she did wrong—evaluating everything from the genetic pool within her child, the environment in which she was raised, the experiences she’s been exposed to—to the friends she’s chosen and the city they live in.

The other mother tells her friends and social contacts that her daughter is doing great! That girl has come so far that she makes her weep for joy just thinking about her. This mother answers the “How’s your daughter doing?” questions with, “I’m so proud of her for her accomplishments. Everyone should have a daughter like mine.”

The mother with the troubled daughter had picked her daughter up from the police a half dozen times because of curfew violations, accidents, shoplifting, being in possession of paraphernalia, and allowing an unlicensed teenager to drive her car. This mother  has paid fines, driven her daughter to court, and given lectures on breaking the law and making good choices. This mother has also found out that her daughter has been sexually active for a long time, with the number of partners ranging from at least five, but more likely around 15.

The other mother tells her friends and social contacts that her daughter is a typical teenager, who has a messy room and is sometimes a little lazy, and if that’s the worst a kid could do, give me my kid every time. This mother goes to brunch with her daughter every Sunday, and takes her on little shopping sprees because it’s their “bonding” time. Her daughter knows that having sex can lead to pregnancy, which she’s seen among people all around her, and has decided she doesn’t want to take that risk. Yep, her daughter is abstinent, doesn’t touch pot, and would never break the law.