Borderline Personality Disorder or Just a Young Woman in Her Own Head?

So yesterday, I wrote an update on my daughter to remind myself of how far she's come. And it's true, she has, and I'm very proud of her in general. But today, I'm really frustrated with her for being so evasive--for days. She communicates a little--in snippets--and leaves me hanging. I don't get it. She just had an MRI (if she showed up to her appointment) and promised to keep me informed. I got next to nothing even though I'm paying for everything and will be her caretaker should she need knee surgery.

I guess I'm confused, because last week, in a moment of sentimentalism or pensiveness or perhaps guilt, she wrote this: "I love you so much. When my record is fixed I'm going to get a job with [my boyfriend]. It's good pay and I can start saving and doing nice things for you. Also, how are you? I'd like to talk to you because I don't take the time to see how you are or what's new. I just complain and whine. I want to make sure you're doing alright. I also think I need to figure out how to open my mind."

I responded: "I love you and am very proud of you. I'm doing fine and would love to talk/listen with you more. If I can help you with figuring stuff out, I'm here."

New Year--Please No New Trouble!

One thing that has strengthened the relationship between my formerly troubled daughter and me is a regular Sunday brunch together. No matter what, we clear time on our calendars to spend time together. It doesn’t matter if we’re super tired, have a cold, have PMS, or anything else, we make it happen. I’m very proud to say that my daughter initiated this practice, and it has been going strong for several months. She adamantly tells her friends and roommates not to bother her because she’s with her “mommy.” You have no idea how much I love this.

Our time together has morphed from a simple plate of pancakes with a little light conversation to spending hours together—talking, laughing, really getting to know each other. She tells me about “real” things going on in her life, in her mind, and in her heart. The way she’s conducting her life on her own is something for me to be proud of, and I frequently hear my thoughts and philosophy coming out of her mouth. She tells me she’s lucky to have had life training from me because she’s finally putting it to use and it works.

Yesterday was our first Sunday brunch of 2011, and of course the topic of changes and resolutions came up. I don’t need to do much talking, Sunday brunches are her forum for expressing herself. As long as I don’t chime in too much, she tells me everything. I’m so proud of her aspirations for the new year; for one thing, she plans to stay out of trouble. The trouble in 2010—tickets, accidents, fines, car repairs, etc. cost her more than she earned. She owes me over a grand, so she certainly feels it. She has learned not only the value of a dollar, but how hard it is to earn that dollar. She works hard, and that includes the getting up, getting dressed, getting to the office, getting through the day with a good attitude even if she’s in a foul mood, and making a positive impression. After all, she must keep this job—it pays for her past indiscretions and will allow her to continue to be self-reliant. She has also realized that being in trouble costs her her self-respect and dignity.

She is now looking into colleges, which makes my heart skip a beat. She has a distinct plan, and I’m very proud of her for that. Though I’m an educated person, she doesn’t want to necessarily follow my path or that of her sister. She will become an educated person, though, and understands that going to college is much more than just attending a bunch of classes.

She has her own road to travel, and she’s thought it through and I respect that. I have learned that each person is different and I can’t make her be who I think she should be, I have to embrace who she is. Since I’ve been able to do that and look at her without a critical eye, I’ve found that I have a very special daughter, with her own gifts and her own struggles. We are strong women in our family, and if I let her be herself, she can be strong, too. Maybe her life of being a follower is behind her and she ready to lead a better existence, beginning in 2011.

How Did This Happen? Finally Good News!

I did have one incident in the past month with my younger daughter since the shoplifting thing, but thankfully, it really wasn't her doing. Her friend was driving on the freeway at a high speed and was stopped and investigated. My daughter and two teenage boys were in the car and everyone got checked out. The driver was found to have been drinking, speeding, and had several pot pipes in the car. She ultimately had her car impounded. The boys were clean. My daughter had a pot pipe in her purse that "wasn't mine!" Of course. I wasn't born yesterday and neither were the police officers, as I found out after I had to travel 45 minutes to the location at about 1 a.m. She ended up with a fine and a scare and we had a deep conversation on the way home--about her choices, her friend's un-friendlike choices, and so on.

My final statement, and what she heard loud and clear was, "If I'm ever called again by the police in connection with anything you've done...I'm not coming. I'm done."

OK, so since that night in early December 2010, she has turned 17. She also got a raise and a promotion at work, plus bonuses and awards worth almost $1000. They love her there and she loves her job. She has decided that she's going to focus because she likes the positive attention much better. She likes it better when we get along and wants to keep it that way.

My seventeen-year-old daughter now lives in her own apartment with two other roommates and she is so happy. Most people think I'm crazy for allowing it, but she's been handling it wonderfully. She pays her own rent, her own car payment, her own insurance, and her own upkeep. It has doen wonders for our rapport. We see each other every Sunday without fail--for brunch and then we spend the afternnon hanging out. We shop, go to the movies, and best of all--we talk! On this day, at this moment, I have the relationship with this child that I've always wanted. I like the idea of starting 2011 this way. I have an empty nest, but I'm now stress free!