I Talked to My Teen about Her Tattoo

I agonized a bit over how to broach the subject of the tattoo with “troubled teen.” At first I was angry and wanted to lecture and yell like the old me. Then after a day went by (we sometimes go two or three days without crossing paths, so this was normal), I was calmer. I talked to my boyfriend who’s had his share of experiences in this regard, and he shed some light on the subject. Our discussion, if you translated it to paper, would look like a spreadsheet with columns for the approach I COULD take and the consequences next to the approach I SHOULD take and the consequences.

He helped me decide to discuss it with her like an adult and perhaps ask WHY. Why did she feel compelled to sneak a tattoo illegally, knowing my feelings and my parameters? Why did she lie when asked directly if she had a tattoo? What brought her to the conclusion that getting a tattoo near her groin by someone willing to do it illegally was a good idea? What was going through her mind at the time? I told her in advance that we were going to talk about this issue so we could both be mentally prepared.

I never got the opportunity to talk to her during my angry phase; instead, the opportunity arose when I was level-headed and we were on the phone going in opposite directions. The conversation went well. I sort of talked to her like she was someone else’s kid—it probably sounded to her like I had no emotion about it at all and she was most certainly caught off guard. I’d bet she practiced what she was going to say to me when I finally confronted her.

I simply asked her if she could explain, and she was ready with her story. She told me that she got it during the time she went to live with the white trash people when she was 16. She didn’t know what she was thinking and was impulsive and stupid, and has spent the last two years hiding it from me. It didn’t come out the way she wanted, and it’s actually unfinished. She said she feels embarrassed and guilty and didn’t want me to find out because she didn’t want me to be upset, knowing how much I object to tattoos. My daughter said, “I’m sorry, Mama” many, many times—and she might actually be sorry, who knows? I’ve become a pretty good cynic, as you can imagine

I didn’t exactly lecture, but I explained to her my concerns about her being rebellious for no apparent reason, the dangers of tattooing in general, the issue with illegal/unlicensed/underage tattooing, the cost of this mistake, the regrets she’ll have, my feelings about her being tattooed…all the ideas I’ve discussed ad nauseum with my girls and in this blog. She just said, “I know, and I’m so sorry.”

OK, so now what? Nothing. There’s nothing I can do. It’s on her body, it’s gross, I’m appalled…and I have to live with it. I asked her, since she’ll be 18 in about 7 weeks, if she planned to ink up at that time. She has every right to do it, but if that’s her decision, she’ll have to live elsewhere. She said that she knows that, and will hold off until she can afford to manage on her own—she can live without tattoos for a little longer without dying. HOWEVER, she does plan on not only getting more tattoos, but fixing the one she already has.

My hope is that she will realize how costly/dangerous they are to get vs. how costly/painful they are to remove and change her mind. I have a lot of hopes, for that matter—that she’ll get all new friends, be a straight-A student in college, and become an attorney. **Sigh**

Teen Mom Show is a Conversation Starter

I admit it, I’m a fan of reality TV, and I’m a regular viewer of Teen Mom. It’s not that I relate to that program, it’s that there but for the grace of God goes my family. I have two teenage daughters and my “troubled teen” began being sexually active around the age of 15 (that’s what she has told me, though kids lie and she has done quite a bit of lying). I’m glad that Teen Mom depicts how tragic being a teen mom is, instead of glorifying having “someone to love.” I follow the characters to see if there are any similarities in propensities to my kids. Do they have the same insecurities? Desperations? Blinders?

That said, I speak to my girls about sex and its consequences—emotional, physical, mental, medical, and procreative. Neither of my children are in any hurry to become mothers, having seen my struggles as a single mom even at my age. They like being young and having very few responsibilities. They couldn’t imagine the little money they’re able to earn as a teen going toward diapers and baby medicine and not Red Bulls and nose rings. They couldn’t imagine being up all night with a crying baby instead of having a sleepover with their friends.

I’m relieved that that’s their attitude, but I still put both kids on the pill as a precaution. Some parents would be horrified by my actions, but it’s frankly none of their business. I’m not religious, but even if I was, with all that we’ve been through in our family, bringing an innocent baby into the fold would be more horrifying. My girls, as wonderful as they’ve become, have a hard enough time taking care of themselves properly. My younger daughter is still working on being responsible for her cats and remembering to feed them.

So , the program is entertaining, but it’s also a good springboard for talking to your teenagers frankly about the ramifications of sexual activity. Do they want to work two jobs, quit high school, be up all night with a colicky baby, spend all their money on diapers and formula, isolate themselves from regular teenage life, be tired all the time, risk being lonely and having their relationships break up, feel angry and resentful, and derail their hopes and dreams?

For these reasons, I actually recommend the show Teen Mom. I feel sad for the characters and wish them well, but I don’t have much hope for them having fulfilling lives and I think most of those poor babies are doomed. Every day that my teenager daughters remain childless, I say “thank you” to my higher power and “you’re welcome” to my nerves!