The Biggest Lies My Daughter Has Told Me (Thus Far!)

I admit it, I've been duped a thousand times by my daughter, and despite knowing it, I continue to fall for her lies. I think it's wishful thinking that "this time," she is finally being straightforward and I have nothing to worry about. I catch her in lies all the time, but 50% of the time I can't really prove anything and 50% of the time I punish her in some way but it doesn't change her behavior. She's either a pathological liar or a master manipulator. Sometimes I think I'm just hanging in there until she's 18 and turning her loose into the world--and setting myself free. I love her endlessly, but she's so hard to live with.

Here are her biggest, or should I say, most common--enjoy!

• I don’t smoke weed/do drugs anymore. I’m done with all that.
• Their parents are/were/will be home.
• I don’t know his/her last name.
• I don’t have their number
• I’ll get you the number and address as soon as I get there.
• I wouldn’t hang out with them if they did drugs or underage drinking.
• I’m just hanging out watching movies and eating pizza.
• I called my nana and she didn’t answer.
• I’m saving my money and not spending it on stupid things.
• I cleaned my car and it’s spotless [told over the phone].
• I cleaned my room and it’s spotless [told over the phone].
• I don’t have a tattoo (this one is still up for debate—I can’t prove or disprove it).
• He’s not too old for me.
• We’re just friends; I can have an older guy friend, can’t I?
• I would never let him try anything with me.
• I’m going to work out today.
• I’ll tell you what happened—tomorrow.
• I tell you everything, Mom.
• Sorry, I didn’t hear the phone ring.
• My phone died.
• I told you I was sleeping over.
• I stayed late at work.
• I slept for 15 hours because I’ve just been working so hard.
• My eyes are red because of my allergies.
• I gave away all my paraphernalia.
• That’s not mine.
• I was just sitting in my car waiting for them to get their drinks and come out. I didn’t know they were going to rip off that store.
• I’ll be at X’s house the whole time.
• I know I said we’d be at X’s house the whole time, but we only went out for a few minutes to say hello to some other friends.
• They have their own apartment, but they’re really responsible and mature and they don’t drink or use drugs.
• I hate alcohol; it makes me sick.
• I’m so glad I didn’t have to take a drug test for the shoplifting charge—that’s so bogus; whatever, I’d come up clean anyway.
• I’m the only one with a car.
• I’m not hanging out with those people anymore; they just used me for my car.
• I’m on my way home right now [music and voices in the background].
• I haven’t been to a rave since you forbid me.