I’ve discovered the number one reason to accept your empty nest status—it is the single best way to improve your relationships with your children, especially the troublesome ones. Suddenly, you see all your hard work, nurturing, guiding, and good sense flowing from your offspring. It’s sort of like when they were little—you’d send them to a friend’s house and the parents would tell you what great manners your child had, something you didn’t see so much at home! No longer are you on top of each other, overwhelmed with responsibilities, expectations, and visions of grandeur. It’s so much easier to see your dear daughters as separate units, capable young adults who do know how to do for themselves, who don’t really need you to fix everything, fight their battles, and cut their meat!
I’m realizing what a smart, mature young woman my formerly troubled daughter truly is. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s learned from her mistakes and has learned a few things from me as well. We have wonderful conversations now, both on the phone, through texting and emailing, and in person—about life and decisions and future plans. It was too hard before because we were always enmeshed in our daily lives with me harping on the last infraction.
To my delight, since moving into her own apartment, my daughter has learned what it takes to run a household, the value of a dollar, the strength it takes to earn that dollar, and that she has no time for nonsense. Because life is so expensive, she’s definitely cut down on whatever she smokes (I can’t say for sure if she has eliminated cigarettes and pot), and the domino effect is a beautiful thing to see. She now has no trouble waking up in the morning, making it so she’s early for work each day. Being early and not stressed has caused her to improve her performance overall and earn a raise. She’s also developed a new sense of confidence and is applying for a promotion. Her responsibility in paying her rent and bills has earned her her first credit card, and because she works for a credit card company, she knows how to handle it properly (without getting into the trouble I’m all too familiar with).
So these are very good things. For her, it’s wonderful because she can be herself and do whatever she pleases without me pulling on her. Ironically, she calls me more than ever—every day, sometimes twice a day—“just to talk.” She said she still needs to hear my voice and run things by me; in fact, whenever something positive happens, I’m the first one she calls. And when she’s got something troubling her, I’m STILL the first one she calls. Isn’t that something? She barely talked to me other than to goof around for the 18 years she lived with me!
I don’t care; I’ll take a warm relationship with my daughter any way I can get it. I love her company more than ever (there were admittedly times before that I did, too), and I’ve been tremendously successful at keeping my mouth shut about her hair color (still fluorescent red), her drab clothes (she suddenly rejected the pretty wardrobe and shoe collection she had for a long time), and her housekeeping skills (I don’t have to live with her anymore, so who cares if her room is messy!).
No sniping, no nagging, no judging = no rebellion, no defensiveness, no belligerence.
I like our new equation.
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