An Empty Nest = Simple Math

I’ve discovered the number one reason to accept your empty nest status—it is the single best way to improve your relationships with your children, especially the troublesome ones. Suddenly, you see all your hard work, nurturing, guiding, and good sense flowing from your offspring. It’s sort of like when they were little—you’d send them to a friend’s house and the parents would tell you what great manners your child had, something you didn’t see so much at home! No longer are you on top of each other, overwhelmed with responsibilities, expectations, and visions of grandeur. It’s so much easier to see your dear daughters as separate units, capable young adults who do know how to do for themselves, who don’t really need you to fix everything, fight their battles, and cut their meat!

I’m realizing what a smart, mature young woman my formerly troubled daughter truly is. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s learned from her mistakes and has learned a few things from me as well. We have wonderful conversations now, both on the phone, through texting and emailing, and in person—about life and decisions and future plans. It was too hard before because we were always enmeshed in our daily lives with me harping on the last infraction.

To my delight, since moving into her own apartment, my daughter has learned what it takes to run a household, the value of a dollar, the strength it takes to earn that dollar, and that she has no time for nonsense. Because life is so expensive, she’s definitely cut down on whatever she smokes (I can’t say for sure if she has eliminated cigarettes and pot), and the domino effect is a beautiful thing to see. She now has no trouble waking up in the morning, making it so she’s early for work each day. Being early and not stressed has caused her to improve her performance overall and earn a raise. She’s also developed a new sense of confidence and is applying for a promotion. Her responsibility in paying her rent and bills has earned her her first credit card, and because she works for a credit card company, she knows how to handle it properly (without getting into the trouble I’m all too familiar with).

So these are very good things. For her, it’s wonderful because she can be herself and do whatever she pleases without me pulling on her. Ironically, she calls me more than ever—every day, sometimes twice a day—“just to talk.” She said she still needs to hear my voice and run things by me; in fact, whenever something positive happens, I’m the first one she calls. And when she’s got something troubling her, I’m STILL the first one she calls. Isn’t that something? She barely talked to me other than to goof around for the 18 years she lived with me!

I don’t care; I’ll take a warm relationship with my daughter any way I can get it. I love her company more than ever (there were admittedly times before that I did, too), and I’ve been tremendously successful at keeping my mouth shut about her hair color (still fluorescent red), her drab clothes (she suddenly rejected the pretty wardrobe and shoe collection she had for a long time), and her housekeeping skills (I don’t have to live with her anymore, so who cares if her room is messy!).

No sniping, no nagging, no judging = no rebellion, no defensiveness, no belligerence.

I like our new equation.

12 Most Positive Things about Being An Empty-Nester

by Sharon Greenthal on Nov 18, 2011 

website: http://12most.com/2011/11/18/12-positive-empty-nester/

Eventually, all parents become empty-nesters, whether it’s when the kids leave for college, work, marriage, or other pursuits. Suddenly, your home is no longer the place where your children live. Though it takes some adjusting, patience and creativity, being an empty-nester can be an exciting and rejuvenating time in a person’s life.

1. Your house is clean

Gone is the detritus of your children’s lives scattered here and there, carelessly flung about and forgotten. Your bathroom towels will stay hung neatly on their bars, the dishes are placed in the dishwasher instead of left to sit next to the sink. Beds remain made, floors remain clean, clothes are neatly put away. Mystery spills vanish, and you never wake up to a mess. Who knew it could be like this?

2. It is very, very quiet

The decibel level drops significantly when the children leave home. Televisions are watched at a moderate volume and music is played without an underlying “thumpa thumpa” that shakes the windows. No longer do you hear multiple electronic devices pinging and beeping at once – unlike your children, you aren’t capable of watching, listening and texting at the same time – nor do you want to.

3. You discover you still like your partner or you make a big change

It’s either one or the other. Some couples decide to separate and move on, others remember why it was they fell in love in the first place. Without your kids, you become each other’s only companion when you’re at home. I can’t overstate how much of a distraction our kids are while they are growing up. This is probably the most jolting part of the empty nest – when you look at each other and think – “oh wow, it’s just us now.” For better or worse, it will happen.

4. You can sleep through the night

No longer are you waiting for the sound of a key in the door, or the front door light to be turned off upon their safe return from another night out. Along these same lines, you no longer are part of the day-to-day ups and downs of your children’s lives…no matter how often they may text/call/email/facebook message/tweet you. Their mental and physical well-being, though still hugely important to you, are their responsibilities now, and you no longer have to endure the worries of their daily lives like you did when they lived at home.

5. Your food bill drops significantly

I know, if your kids are in college, or even if they’re not, you may still be paying for them to eat. But isn’t it lovely to go to the grocery store and come home with just enough of the kind of things you want, and not have to buy all the things they want, things that you really don’t want in your house? It’s been a while since I’ve bought a bag of Doritos or a package of Chips Ahoy cookies.

6. Your cash lasts longer

Again, I realize that if you are a recent empty-nester, you may still be supporting them – in fact, you probably are still supporting them. But no longer do you have to fish twenties out of your wallet because “I didn’t go to the bank,” or “the car needs gas,” or “I have to buy a football/baseball/basketball t-shirt at school.” They have an allowance, they manage their money, and you (almost) always have cash when you need it.

7. You have a lot more free time

Initially, this may be disturbing and/or difficult for you to deal with. I know I found it strange to no longer have show choir performances to watch or football games to go to, and my level of volunteering dropped off significantly once my kids left the house. But then a funny thing happened – I remembered how much I liked my solitude, and my husband and I discovered the joy of doing nothing much at all if we feel like it, truly happy to be in a quiet, clean home together. You may want to do things – museums, movies, theater, travel – whatever your thing is, there’s now time to do it… a lot.

8. You can spend time with people you like

What I mean by this is, you no longer have to socialize with other parents because of your kids’ connection to each other. No more booster club barbecues or committee meetings, making small talk with people you most likely never would have crossed paths with if it weren’t for the fact that your children were on the same team/in the same class/part of the same group of friends. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m glad to be done with all of those forced relationships. I have great friends, and I’m glad I have more time to spend with them now.

9. You begin to experience your children as young adults

This is probably the most rewarding part of being and empty-nester. Your children leave home and, for better or worse, they have to grow up, no matter how much help you may be giving them financially OR emotionally. There are just too many daily things to manage, too many random people to deal with, too many bumps and blips that they have to encounter on their own that leads to them, inevitably and sometimes painfully, growing up. It’s a thrill when my kids take over, driving or planning or explaining – giving up some of my authority is in many ways a huge relief. And I like them, these young adults – they’re interesting and have lives of their own, and I very much enjoy getting to know them in this new and different way.

10. Your kids come to visit

There’s nothing quite as wonderful as seeing your kids after weeks or months apart. Their faces are familiar and beautiful, their smiles just for you, their laundry ready to be washed…seriously, it’s such a thrill to have them home for holidays, or summer, or just a weekend visit – and within minutes of their return, it’s as though they never left. You love having them home for a while, but then…

11. Your kids will go back where they came from after a visit

Enough said.

12. Your future is yours

Remember before kids, when you would dream and plan for the rest of your life? Remember when it was wide open, and you had no idea what would happen next? Well, you can do that again, now that you’re an empty-nester. No longer do you have to worry about childcare, or kids missing school, or whether they’ll like the place you pick to go on vacation – your time, your future, and your life is yours to create. Always wanted to travel? Now you can. Go back to school? Now’s the time. Write a book? Get cracking. You have your life to live, just as they have theirs. Go do it!